Parentsconnect.com Wants Your Child to Die Like Elvis
Nickelodeon-owned Parentsconnect.com has a tough job. They need to continually come up with content to satisfy a country full of stay-at-home moms, who god bless them, find a way to not kill our children while we work. Or, they go work while we stay at home and try to find a way to not kill our kids.
BUT, and this is a BIG “but”…
There’s kind of no excuse for promoting (“Editor’s Pick” is a promotion) things like Fluffernutter sandwiches for a kid’s snack. I mean, okay, I get it. The sandwich should only be used as a once-in-a-while treat – like when you need to convince your kid to give you a back massage, or when your kid grabs your PlayStation 3 controller and you have to do the whole “trade you this for that” trick. Think about it this way – when you say “fluffernutter”, it’s a fun cartoon-like sandwich. But you’re feeding your kid a peanut butter and marshmallow sandwich.
What’s funny to me is that I when I saw the link for the Fluffernutter sandwich – ON THEIR FRONT PAGE – I thought “didn’t Elvis die eating stuff like this”, I saw as a related link, the “Elvis Peanut Butter Sandwich“. We’re talking about a sandwich containing butter, peanut butter, honey, and bacon. On white bread. I won’t really go too far into the bacon controversy that’s been raging for years about whether kids that eat bacon get leukemia, cancer, et cetera, except to say that we’re at the point in history where we just know better. And sure, we’re also at the point in history where everything gives us cancer, but do we really want to teach our kids that their anuses are going to rot off regardless, so you might as well enjoy it?
If you want to get ridiculous, click the related link at the bottom of the Elvis sandwich, to see a recipe for a S’mores Sandwich. Are you dead serious? S’mores. As a sandwich.
Maybe I’m overreacting because when I think of a sandwich, I think of a serious lunch. I think of something you’re giving your kid for nutrition. These concoctions that Parents Connect is shoveling seem more like birthday cakes than sandwiches. If you’re going to go this far, why not just cut the crap and give the kid Oreos? At least you’d have a better sense of portion control and officially-recorded nutritional facts.
The main point, in case I’m being vague, is that I love sites like This Is Why You’re Fat as much as the next guy…maybe more. But novelty desserts dressed up like “sandwiches” are part of the reason why children are experiencing diseases and ailments that no other generation has experienced before. It’s also the parents that see a peanut butter and marshmallow sandwich and think it’s a great idea to send it to school with a kid for his lunch.
Now, on Parents Connect, there are “report abuse” buttons on each recipe, and personally I’d think it’s funny if we had the kind of readership that would take it upon themselves to flood Parents Connect with reports that these recipes are child abuse. That would also assume we had enough readers to consider action by any part of them a “flood”. Where’s 4chan when I need them?