There are two things that are incredible about this article – first, that posting a sign that says “Screaming Children Will NOT Be Tolerated” in a restaurant is controversial news, and second, that I get to say “Olde Salty” in an article.

Well, get this – one restaurant in North Carolina, Olde Salty, recently came under both flak and praise for posting the above sign. The owner of the restaurant says the sign has boosted business, which should be a message to all parents – no one wants to hear your child while they’re eating.

My personal spin: Maybe I’m too conservative, but I refused to go out to dinner until my child was out of the constantly-crying phase. And even now (at 20 months), we will only go to naturally loud restaurants. I don’t want to hear my kid screaming when I’m at home, and by that logic, no one else wants to hear him…anywhere. Now, my mother-in-law told me over and over that “people understand”, but I don’t think people should even get to the point of understanding. I don’t want my child somewhere that onlookers will have to “understand”. So, many apologies to my wife, we didn’t go out to dinner for a year with our child. Even now, he’s a little bit of a dick in public, but we only go to those loud fat-farm restaurants, where people can’t hear your child over the sounds of their own face-stuffing gluttony. Or BJ’s Restaurant & Brewhouse. They keep the music loud as shiitake there. Okay, we don’t go to fat-farms, but I really did want to say it to illustrate the point.

And the point is, don’t take your children anywhere that they can be heard, unless they’re planning on saying something earth-shatteringly adorable, they’re being filmed for the restaurant’s commercial, or they’re a busboy. I’m not saying that your child is to be seen and not heard. Okay, I am.