Two Toys That Are Keeping It Real
In a culture obsessed with reality television, video games that look ultra-realistic, and internet dating where user profiles leave nothing to the imagination, it’s good to see the toy industry also keepin’ it real.
I actually took this picture inside of my local Target. I mean, why shoot for the stars with a fireman’s hat or superhero mask when you can teach your kid to ring up scraps of obese food for obese people? I suppose in this age of IRL-mediocrity and 15-bytes-of-internet-fame, you need solid job skills to fall back on.
Even Amazon doesn’t know when this stupid-ass toy will be back in stock. I mean, I guess I “get it”. I get that someone said it’d be a great idea to merge the McDonald’s brand with a vaguely-math-based toy. I just don’t know how as a company, you could be responsible for saying “hey, your kids dream, right? Well, tell them to forget it.”
And in case you’re a girl with no direction, but don’t see yourself shoveling fast food, you can play with Tattoodles: Princess Surprise, the doll that teaches your daughter to be a whore. My wife and I first saw Tattoodles in Toys-R-Us; the surprise was that her shirt is almost high enough to see toddler-age plastic nipple. The surprise is also that when your daughter wants a tramp-stamp before the age of 10, that the only one to blame is you.
Aside from my own conjecture, the best part about this is what exactly the name implies – what is it that the manufacturers/marketers were implying with the word “surprise”? Is the surprise that a princess has tattoos? I suppose that’s sort of surprising – but a little too close to the whole innocent-bad-girl persona. It’s like the ultimate in little-girl keepin’-it-real – sure, you’re a pretty face, but how far do you think that’ll take you, missy? I can’t help but think this is the child’s toy version of those porn movies where two guys pick up a curiously hot hitchhiking chick that has no idea how she’ll repay the dudes for the ride. I mean, I can’t tell you the whole plot, and I don’t personally know anything about those pornographic films because, uhhh, I….I just don’t watch that sort of thing.
Anyway, we won’t go into the fact that this doll had to be blonde-haired and blue-eyed for it to be released.
What’s your favorite “Keepin’ it Real” kids toy?