There’s kind of no emoticon for what you look like when you first see the Zaky Infant Pillow by Zakeez. I mean, what we’re talking about, just to be crystal clear, is a pair of plush hands that you wrap around your baby. And oh no, they’re not your hands. They’re not even your relatives’ hands. It’s like you’re putting your most prized possession directly into the warm paws of the pedobear. Or, as they put it, “it is arguably the most loving and useful gift for infants”.

Well, okay, I think I’ll play whatever the opposite of devil’s advocate is, and argue for the Zaky.

So, on the Zaky’s website, they’ve got some pretty calmly-stated facts about what the Zaky does and how it enhances your baby’s development. But I think they missed the point. With something this ridiculous, it needs to be represented like this:

Zaky Instant Babysitter, by Zakeez
When you signed up to be a parent, no one said it had to be a 24-hour thing. You thought “okay, how much does a baby want to be held?” And the answer is NOT ALL THE GODDAMNED TIME. So, obvi, you’ve got things to do, like get your rest, or have a breakfast burrito, or play some Wii Bowling, or Skypesex with your wife while she’s in Vegas for the weekend, or, you know, in general, live your life. Dude, it’s a baby, not a ball-and-chain; you don’t have to let that little crap end your life. Look, newborn babies sleep 18 hours a day – and until they know english or can talk, like, how does it benefit the baby for you to hold him and just sit there? If they just want to sleep, they can do it with these fake ass hands. They’re like your hands, but bigger and softer, so immediately they’ve GOT to be better. Case closed, and when the baby outgrows them, a rubber glove and some lotion goes a long way. Play on, player.

I mean, that’s no final marketing copy or anything, I’m just kicking around ideas. I think a more aggressive approach like that might hit the target audience better.

And here I was, thinking that skin-to-skin contact was important. I thought that my baby needed me all day and night, so I was constantly holding him – and now I’ve come to find out that those plushy hands will keep a better posture for the baby than me? Dude, makes so much sense.

I love that under the “Recommended by” section, the first example is “Mothers, fathers, friends and family.” There’s also some mothers and fathers out there in the world that recommend smoking crack through a broken car antennas. Some peoples’ families recommend giving their baby juice if they won’t drink water. Some of my friends recommend World of Warcraft as a great way to spend time socially. So, you really can’t trust these sorts of people. So after that recommendation, Zakeez says that more or less everyone else on earth also recommends the Zaky. I think my favorite part of their site, however, is the Awards section. Go ahead and try to find a reputable site or organization that awarded them for the Zaky – though I won’t deny them the “Ultimate Latina of the Year” award – which is a pretty gangster award, I’ll admit.

What’s funny to me is that if you poke around the Zakeez site, it looks like the most legitimate item is the most stuffed-away, hidden-on-the-site item: the Veinlite. I don’t know much about giving kids shots, or what technology is used to make sure the shot goes into the right place, but the Veinlite seems to me like it should be the star of Zakeez.com.

May I be completely candid about the Zaky? It looks like a sex toy. And that may not be all that bad, since most baby toys, sex toys and dog toys all look alike.