Does playing with dolls not cut it anymore for your digital-age daughter? Are you ready to take a knee and impart all of the incredible feelings about being a parent to her? Is she already ovulating at the age of 6? Well then My Baby 3 & Friends for the Nintendo DS might be a great game for her to pick up. While not as offensively loony as, say, the Bratz seriesMy Baby 3 & Friends is definitely weird enough to make you, as a parent, want to hang yourself.

Your first red flag that you’re in for a doosey is that they tell you that MB3&F “delivers all the fun parenting and baby milestones”. Let me tell you something about milestones. They’re not fun. When someone says your baby should be walking by 10 months, you’re on the ground shaking the crap out of him or her at 10-months-and-1-day thinking they’re behind. If some book somewhere says your kid should be saying 20 words by 18 months old, you’ve got your kid tied to the recliner in front of the television, playing two Your Baby Can Read DVDs at once picture-in-picture. I mean, as a parent, you’re supposed to panic. You’re supposed to care. You’re supposed to be so emotionally invested in your baby, that just the thought of them not being up-to-snuff makes your balls hurt. Just kidding. But you’re supposed to be interested in a way that this DS game ain’t gonna give you.

Oh, and at this time, I should tell you that I haven’t PLAYED My Baby 3 & Friends. So this is no review. Just a head’s up.

Here’s the whopper of a press release:

MAJESCO ENTERTAINMENT ANNOUNCES
‘MY BABY 3 & FRIENDS’ FOR NINTENDO DS™ IS NOW AVAILABLE

Third Installment of Best-Selling Franchise Delivers All the Fun Parenting and Baby Milestones Plus More Activities, Skills and Interactions

EDISON, N.J., October 12, 2010 – The beloved baby life simulation game returns with even more activities and fun! Majesco Entertainment Company (NASDAQ: COOL), an innovative provider of video games for the mass market, has announced that My Baby 3 & Friends exclusively for the Nintendo DS™ family of hand-held systems is now available at retailers nationwide. In the newest iteration of the My Baby franchise that has sold over 2 million units worldwide, My Baby 3 & Friends lets players reveal their nurturing side as they feed, bathe, change and cuddle their in game baby. Offering lots of new activities, the game also sparks social development skills via interaction with other babies and even a puppy.

Using the Nintendo DS touch screen, stylus, and microphone, girls can talk to their baby or give a hug. There are lots of new puzzles, toys and environments, including outside playtime in a swimming pool, on a swing or even a slide! Players can also customize their baby’s physical appearance and nursery, and then go shopping for cute clothes, accessories and more than 350 items. And for the first time in the My Baby series, players can now select from 30 of their favorite activities and skills to experience with their baby at any time instead of following one linear path through the game.

So, I realize some people will say that games like this are cute, and it’s no different than a little girl playing with dolls, but there’s just something cheap and cheating about plopping your kid down with a video game instead of giving them a doll. I mean, there’s only so many things they can do with a doll, but with MB3&F it’s almost like it’s giving your kid the impression that yes, at the age of 6, she is ready to have a baby.

I’m glad I have a boy. He plays with trucks and blocks. He’s going to grow up to build things, kill things and ultimately tell me that he hates me. It’s just how stuff’s supposed to go.