Picture unrelated.

Australian researchers posted results from a 20-year study about obesity in this month’s International Journal of Obesity (which sounded like a magazine I wanted until I realized it didn’t offer any Carl’s Jr coupons and was actually discouraging obesity). They found – shocker – that waist size during the ages of 7-15 years old had an impact on health 20 years down the line.

I’ll save you some time. So, basically, what they found was that fat kids get high cholesterol and diabetes. You can read a much less idiot-friendly summary at the International Journal of Obesity link below.

Here’s where we stop the article dead in its tracks and I tell you that regardless of your kid’s weight, you need to get them into science, and you need to get them interested in doing scientific studies. According to PayScale.com, who in their own words, “is a market leader in global online compensation data”, a Research Scientist in the field of Biotechnology usually pulls in an average of $57,050 to $94,101 – and the best thing is that the average years of experience – get ready for this one – is ONE to MOTHER-EFFING FOUR.

Now come back around to the initial point here – some Australian research group gave themselves 20 years of guaranteed work, proving that unhealthy kids usually make for unhealthy adults. Oh my god. It was like shooting fish in a barrel. I bet these guys went to some office building and did nothing but play Counter-Strike against each other 8 hours a day for 20 years. Then, they dusted their coats and clipboards off, called their initial list of fat kids and called it a day.

I have a degree in Literature. The only thing I’m going to be doing for 20 years is photoshopping my friends into porn pictures.

Sauce: Nature.com