Okay, not really “suck out,” but it got you to read the article, didn’t it?

The story starts last Monday, when 37 year old George Kamau killed himself. His widow, Victoria Chege, in lieu of planning a funeral, planned an excavation, and was granted permission by a judge to have Kamau’s sperm extracted for the purpose of inseminating her friend-and-appointed-surrogate, ensuring that “his legacy may continue.” No one seems to know why Chege is using a surrogate, or if she’ll even be using her own eggs.

There’s a million reasons why this is logically and ethically wrong.

First things first – George Kamau killed himself. He did not want kids, contrary to what Chege wrote in the Manhattan Court Papers. People that kill themselves, or people with the intent to kill themselves don’t want kids. Or, if they do, I’m sorry, but you just lost your right to have them. Being a parent is more than being a sperm or egg donor – and someone with that much sadness needs to buck up and get help before they can be a parent.

Or, in simpler terms – if you fail to plan, you plan to fail.

So, let’s take our Delorean down the line a couple years.

Imagine you’re Victoria Chege’s child, and you’re finally old enough to start asking questions about how babies are made. For all of your friends, the answer was simple…the ol’ creepy-without-being-explicit “when two people love each other, they come together and make a baby” explanation. For Chege’s son or daughter, however, there’s no satisfactory answer. I mean, this is somehow worse than a mother having to tell her child that s/he was a one-night-stand and they’ve got no father. If there’s any way to put a spin on this to make it cooler than a one-night-stand, it’s that your dad, well, was a zombie and your mom was an evil scientist.

Imagine mentally what this kid will go through when he realizes that his father did not want him, and his mother had to go through the court system just to EXTRACT the DNA from him to make a child. I mean, talk about depression when you figure out that you WEREN’T SUPPOSED to happen. Like I said, it’s got to be harder to deal with than children born out of one-night-stand situations.

Now consider the genetics. So, put yourself in Chege’s shoes – and we’ll assume she’s got good intentions and is mentally-sound.From a spousal and biological standpoint, wouldn’t you want to reproduce with – again, biologically speaking – a survivor? Isn’t it engrained in your animal and primal reproductive system to find a mate that is strong, virile and…alive? It doesn’t make biological sense to pass a trait of depression onto a child. And okay, we don’t think THAT much about it in normal relationships – I mean, I never thought I’d find someone who wanted to pass MY attitude onto future generations. But Victoria Chege actually had a choice. She could either use this biologically flawed sperm to create a baby, or she could go back to hunting and gathering to find that strong and virile candidate. She ultimately chose poorly – and if we believe that predisposition to depression is genetic, this child will have a hell of a time crawling back from his disadvantage.

All of this assumes that the sperm is actually harvestable and functional. I guess there’s been some scientific difficulty actually getting a dead man’s sperm to work, so, chances are this whole thing is a non-issue and I’ve just wasted your time.