What can be said about Johnson & Johnson: Johnson’s Bedtime Bath, that hasn’t already been said about a half billion other infant products? Turns out, more or less nothing. Every product sold to you as a parent is proven to and promises to do something.

Those crafty jerks at Johnson & Johnson have somehow promised you that your baby will sleep better.

But better than what?

I thought this product was going to be a slam-dunk for three reasons:

1) My son looks just like the one on the bottle: big head, white skin, small facial features, mop-swept hair.

2) It looks like the baby on the bottle is sleeping in a big, warm, comfortable vagina.

3) Words like “PROVEN” and “SLEEP”.

I don’t know if Johnson & Johnson is trying to subconsciously make you think that this will make your kid sleep like he’s in a big sleeping bag of a vagina. All I know is that that no matter how much of this stuff we dump in the bath or mix with his milk in his nighttime bottle, he’s still like a rabid raccoon after the bath. We don’t actually put it in his bottle, but our kid did, however, scoop up a big cup of his bathwater and drink it once. He then threw up three or four times immediately, and we had to drain the bath and start over.

Which, speaking of, check out this wicked ingredients list:

Water, Cocamidopropyl Betaine, PEG-80 Sorbitan Laurate, Sodium Trideceth Sulfate, Sodium Chloride, Polysorbate 20, Fragrance, PEG-150 Distearate, Tetrasodium EDTA, Quarternium-15, Citric Acid

It reads like a list of everything on earth that I can’t pronounce. Nowhere do I see normal, honest, calming and believable ingredients like chamomile or lilac. I don’t know what’s supposed to put my kid to sleep, but I’m assuming it ain’t the water or the citric acid.

Before I give you the impression that this stuff is just dangerous poison, I’ll tell you that it makes the bathroom smell pleasant. Despite the fact that it only creates the industry-minimum amount of bubbles, doesn’t seem to calm my kid down, and tried to lure me into loving the product by using my baby’s likeness (and a picture of a vagina) on the bottle, I’m going to recommend this one. Because, really, I don’t know if there’s an alternative. Or at least one with a vagina on the bottle.