(pic related, it’s Ben Wakeling, not wanting to wait for their liiiiives to be over) Poor Ben Wakeling. I don’t know him personally, but I do know that he was hired by Parentdish.com to write the most mother-pandering post, on the perennial parenting website favorite topic of how being a dad changes “you”. Five ways, in fact. Folks, there’s only five ways.

Blah blah blah. I don’t want to ruin the surprise for you, but these are not the ways you’re actually changed. And frankly, I’m too tired right now to go through them with a fine-toothed comb. Basically, what women want to hear is that when a man has a kid, his whole body is transformed into a big, soft, pink vagina, and any nearby emotions or passing breeze will make him drop to the floor and cry, thinking about how much of a gift life truly is. It’s just not true. Sure, when you have a kid, you soften up a little bit and you tend to have a couple more emotions than you did before – but there’s a lot more to how you’re changed than just saying you cry more, you’re protective of your kids, and you know about your wife’s pregnant body.

Then again, this post is on Parentdish’s UK site, and the whole climate of men’s and fathers’ issues is different on that side of the pond, so I might just be proving that Americans are uneducated brutes. Sorry ’bout that. Ben, I owe you a drink.