UK drug-store Boots has started carrying paternity tests in their 2,500 brick-and-mortar (B&M to you industry folk) stores – over-the-counter. The tests, by AssureDNA, require mouth swabs from the child, mother and father, and consent forms be filled out. Then, it’s off to the lab – where the samples will be analyzed by real scientists.

AssureDNA claims “accuracy of results typically in excess of 99.99%“, which unless I’m missing something about the metric system, means 100% accuracy.

You can now destroy your child’s world just as easily as you can buy them a candy bar for their good report card – and for less than £30 ($50 USD). AssureDNA does, to their moral benefit, has a checklist of things to think-over before going through with the test.

This brings up the dilemma – is fatherhood in nature or nurture? It would seem that in “normal” families, where love isn’t an issue, “nurture” is the answer – that although you’re genetically-bound to your kid, you parent them because you love them and love doing it. But in legal matters and in families where love has gone awry, it’s not a bad thing to have easy access to “the truth.”

This test, as it seems, can identify your father – but not necessarily your dad. Insert cute picture of puppies cuddling here.

Also, what’s with that box? It’s a paternity test, but there’s a pic of a mom and baby on there? WTF, mate? Are you suggesting that the only reason someone would buy this was to stick that loving mother with 100% responsibility of the baby, which she’d gladly take because she’s so full of love? What, are there no fathers out there fighting for custody of a child? They should have just put a text bubble above her that said “Don’t worry, we’ll get him out of our lives forever and take a vacation with his money.”

Sauce: The Guardian