Chad Zunker is the type of dude that doesn’t take crap from anyone. If you try to step to the Zunk-dogg, he’s either deferring you to his personal assistant, or he’s taking you down samurai-style by throwing a pocketful of salt in your eyes and slicing you at the kneecaps.

None of that is true.

But Zunker is an evil genius. This dude and his wife Katie needed to find a way to get their new baby to sleep. Naturally, they tried everything. The Zunkers saw a DVD on shushing and gave the process, a mimicking of the sounds a baby hears in the uterus, a go. Voila.

You’re thinking “cool story, bro. Now point me to this DVD and I’ll be on my way.” Not so fast, you jerk. This story’s just begun.

Chad Zunker was like a warlock of shushing, but Katie wasn’t able to push out long and loud shushes. Turns out that Katie had a smaller lung capacity than Chad, and couldn’t perform longer shushes. She also couldn’t blow in the second little piggy’s house of sticks. This meant that Chad had to stay up with the baby at night. Every. Night.

Chad recorded his shushes onto a digital voice recorder and it worked like magic. Because that’s what men do – you set ’em up, we’ll knock ’em down.

“Okay,” you’re saying. “I’ll just get a digital voice recorder and do some shushes into it.” You silly bitch, this is the United States of Freedom. You don’t just get up and do something yourself. What the hell is the point of that?

Chad Zunker, my friends, made that rhythmic and magical shushing into an iPhone app calld Baby Shusher. You can have this iPhone app shush the crap out of your baby for just 15 minutes, or up to eight hours. EIGHT HOURS, bro. Watch this:

Did you see that baby just slip right into a coma? WTF?

Now, if I may be serious for one moment – I’m going to have to say that this app, surprisingly, is a no-go. The cellphone-cancer link is still very scary to me, and I think that a newborn, with all of his or her developing parts is the most vulnerable to a cellphone’s radiation. I know it hurts to be up all night with a crying baby – but I think if this shushing does indeed work for your child, you might want to find any other deployment than putting a cancer factory next to your baby’s head for eight straight hours. You wouldn’t (or maybe you do) sit over your baby and smoke for eight straight hours. And sure, the jury’s still out on some of the cellphone-cancer stuff. But are you going to use your kid as the test?

So – Chad & Katie Zunker – best of luck with your app. You truly did identify and “solve” a widespread problem. But I’m just not sold on it yet. If iPods don’t emit the same type of radiation as cellphones, then count me back in.