In what has got to be the best article EVER in the history of fatherhood news, researchers think they’ve proven that size really does matter. But we’re not talking about apples and bananas here.

Evidently, my new favorite scientists found that the length of a man’s taint predicts the quality of his sperm. No, seriously.

The study says that a man’s anogenital distance – that is, the amount of meat between your *ahem* balls and butthole – is the determiner for sperm quality, counts and motility.

There were 126 (un)lucky men in the study – who had their taints measured, then their semen scrutinized. In men with taints shorter than 2 inches, sub-fertility was found at a rate of about seven times that of Edward Longtaint. That is a made-up name. You get the drift.

This will no doubt make the donation process at the sperm bank very interesting, if not completely invasive.

The full study can be found in the March 4 edition of the journal Environmental Health Perspectives.

Sauce: Business Week