Next school year’s registration process is coming up, and in the event that you need to go in and fill out a personality profile about your kid or interview for his spot in the class, you need to know better ways to describe your kid’s potentially bad behavior. This way, you can confidently tell people that your kid is going to destroy their fine establishment and emotionally ruin the inhabitants. Without, of course, lying. Because no one likes a liar.

Continue below for the list…

We can’t get your kid into preschool, kindergarten, or any other level of schooling. But we’re here to help, so if your kid is being negatively labeled, why not use one of these creative go-arounds to smite the haters and fast-track your kid toward an expensive college education that they’ll sleep through!

1) Violent or Aggressive:He’s physically determined, and growing into his advanced level of power.

2) Doesn’t Share:He was raised in a very competitive family, knows the value of working hard toward ownership, and actually, wants to share THAT dream with others.

3) Disruptive or Loud:Our child says that like Elie Wiesel, he ‘swore never to be silent whenever human beings endure suffering and humiliation’. We respect his wishes.

4) Not Potty-Trained:He knows how to use the bathroom correctly, but respectfully denies the bathroom industry’s demand that he do it in a manner that disrespects his byproducts.

5) Not Able to Focus or Concentrate:See, he’s a fierce multi-tasker that works well under high volume and tight deadline. Maybe he’s not being given enough to work on at once and thinks he’s being given a free-play time.

6) Not Able to Read:Our child understands that literacy is never rewarded in society, and is instead training to be an Alaskan King Crab fisherman.

7) Lazy:He feels like the mental journey is more important than the physical destination, so it’s not that he doesn’t do the work, it’s just that he thinks it through and makes peace with it on his own.

Good luck, and let us know if any of these work.

BTW, we’re totally kidding – you shouldn’t say any of this stuff if you want your kid to ever taste the delicious teat of success.