Drew Magary is the everyman. We bring our baby home and we’re terrified, and moreover, pissed off. Life just turned upside down on account of that little crapbag, and s/he won’t even sleep. Here’s a couple of minutes in Magary’s words:

11:03 – Baby makes a slight cough. Possibly pneumonia. As long as she’s quiet about it, that’s fine with me.
11:06 – Baby again makes little tiny noises. She’s gonna cry again. Vow to self to never put penis in anything ever again.
11:08 – Baby, miraculously, stops making noises.
11:09 – Maybe because baby is dead.
11:10 – Check on baby. Is not dead. I will not be going to jail. Run back to bed.

The rest of the list will make you LOL – or if nothing else, appreciate sleep a lot more.

Read Magary’s “Hell, or a Father’s First Night With His Baby” at the sauce.