Five Possibly (Un)Acceptable Uses for Baby Wipes
If you’re a parent, you already know that baby wipes are pretty versatile. Anything that can wipe feces off of your skin has got to be good for more than just dookie patrol. But all wipes are not made equal – and some parents will go through multiple brands and styles before finding one they (or their babies) like. Our family personally test-drove at least 4 different brands of wipes, and 1/3 through a pack, would switch to another if the scent was too strong or we didn’t like the way they felt on
our our baby’s skin.
Besides, if these little rectangular things come 8-billion to a pack and are soaked with some light lotions, detergents and (primarily) water, there’s got to be ways to re-purpose them for other tasks. And if they’re good enough for your baby’s anus, don’t pretend like you’re too high and mighty to use them for your own purposes.
Also, this article, because of it’s nature, is “strongly-worded.” So, you might not want to read this aloud in a kindergarten.
We touched on this subject before when talking about how fatherhood makes you live like a vagrant. Revisiting that article the other day made me think – there’s some other ways I’ve been using baby wipes on the pro circuit, and I’m ready to go into IDKFA mode to let people know.
Here’s a couple ways I’ve personally used baby wipes in my own life:
At Home: Table & Counter Cleaners
Parents will immediately say “no s**t” because they already use wipes to clean their tables, trays and counters after their baby’s been fed and has left their signature mess behind them. But for those non-parents, or maybe parents that haven’t thought about it – consider wiping down most common-areas with baby wipes. Sure, they’re not sanitizing like, say, a Clorox wipe – but baby wipes are also not full of bleach. As far as I’ve been told, baby wipes have a little bit of cleanser on them and then are soaked with leprechaun tears. You know, because at the baby wipe factory, they employ leprechauns, and more often than you think, one gets stuck in the gears and sucked through the machinery.
So, if you need to just wipe-down a counter and pick up something like cereal, flour or graham cracker crumbs, then a baby wipe is great. It’ll pick up the bits and leave a pretty clean scent without making you feel like you just left a caustic poison on a surface you put food on. And if you need to spot-clean a wood floor without getting out the Swiffer, a wipe totally works, and you might be able to trick your kid into But why stop there? Need to clean your toilet seat? The lip of your sink? Door knobs? Go for it. But don’t come crying to me if sitting on your toilet seat gives you an STD after a raging house party, because I’m not telling you that baby wipes are the same as sanitizing wipes. They’re just good in a pinch to get something wet and pleasant-smelling onto a not-so-pleasant item. Which is why they work on a baby ass.
At Work: Keyboard & Mouse Rejuvenation
If you’re anything like me, you absolutely will not make yourself lunch anymore. If it’s not in the fridge waiting by the time I’ve got keys in my pocket, I’m out the door. So some days, I’m grabbing fast food (or sometimes, just slightly-hastened food) for weekday lunches. This isn’t really an out-of-the-ordinary issue, but since I’m at work, I usually bring back some falling-apart sandwich or delicious burrito. Again, that’s more of a solution than a problem. But as I’m sitting at my desk I’m eating and surfing the World Wide Web (it’s on computers now!). So, from time to time, yeah, a little salsa does end up on my mouse. Or worse, I use a napkin on my hands but then notice that the keys on my keyboard are a little shinier than usual. Nast.
This is where baby wipes shine. Not only can you wipe your hands after lunch and remove more residue than dry napkins, but you can also give your keyboard and mouse a little detail-work and wipe-down your desk. You’re going to want to make sure if you’re wiping down electronics that the wipes aren’t ones that advertise themselves as having ass-smoothing lotions in them or anything like that. And are baby wipes the completely-wrong tool for the job? Yes. But they’ll work in a pinch, and if you’re throating a pepperoni, bacon and mayo footlong when your desk phone rings, you’re going to need a Plan B on cleanliness. Just give it all a little wipe-down and you’ll be set for…well…tomorrow.
Also, great on business trips. If you’re in a hotel room burning the midnight oil trying to get that important client’s report done in time (does anyone really ever do this?) and you’ve got a room service plate in front of you, chances are at one point or another, you’re going to get hamburger grease on your iPad. Just give it a wipe with a baby wipe and then with one of your (clean) socks to get rid of the excess moisture. Notable: I don’t have an iPad, so if you do this and it ends up being a not-so-great idea, then you didn’t hear it from me.
In the Car: Mobile Cleanup
Between the years of 1998 and 2004, I ate almost every meal in my car. That’s only partially a lie, but I was high school, then college, then worked in retail. So I spent a good amount of time eating curly fries while in a parking lot waiting for a class or shift or lunch to start or end. And when you get food in a drive-through, they give you like 3 napkins that you shred immediately. Or god forbid you’re trying to eat and drive, and you hit a bump and all of the sudden your nose is in your hamburger. And eating tacos while driving? Forget about it. It’s got to be twice as dangerous to eat a taco while driving as it is texting while driving. There should be hands-free taco kits for commuters.
Sometimes during those years, I’d show up early to a job interview and think “okay, lemme go drive through somewhere so my stomach isn’t gurgling like I’m a cat-eating monster while I’m in the interview. So, inevitably I’d drive through somewhere and smell like hamburgers and fear in the interview. Also notable: I didn’t have
many any jobs between 1998 and 2004. If you’re going on interviews, you need to have a pack of baby wipes on-hand in your car or you will smell like an ass while you’re trying to sell yourself as being a great people-person.
And if you think that your kid’s never going to spill anything in your car – or you’re one of those “I don’t give my kids food in my car” people, then first off, screw you. And second, not likely. Eventually, every parent ends up giving their kid something in the car, and it ends up everywhere. And your kid is a wizard; you can give him a bag of Cheerios and after the car trip, it’ll look like he spilled grape jelly on the seat. How, sweet Jesus, does this happen? So then you have to yank your kid out all dirty-looking and find the nearest clean-up station. Most parents already keep wipes in their car, but I figured I’d mention this for the ones that are stubborn or slow.
Point is, if you keep a pack of baby wipes under your seat or in your trunk, you’ll always have a way to freshen yourself (and your car) up after a mobile feast. Plus, you owe it to whoever’s seeing you next to wipe up. The last thing someone wants to do is shake your hand and then smell like animal style fries. So just throw a pack of wipes in your trunk and forget about them. Bet you’ll need them sooner than you think, you sloppy assbag.
This is somehow a great idea, but doesn’t necessarily keep the food off your hands. But you can be a lethal eating-in-your-car machine if you had this and baby wipes.
In the Bedroom: Before/After “Intimacy” Wipes
If a baby wipe is good enough for your baby’s bits and pieces, it’s good enough for yours. This is the married couple’s fast-shower before and after, well, gettin’ it the hell on. Because after you’ve had a baby, you do what’s called the terror-f**k. That is to say that your child, and you know this, is a terrorist. Whenever you’re in your most vulnerable moments, your kid comes gallivanting in like it’s the thing to do. Cranking out a #2 after the child goes to bed? You’d better believe that with a turd halfway out of you, the kid will be at the door, banging on it. Trying to sneak a warm cookie fresh out of the oven that your wife made from scratch? The kid will just appear behind you, reach his hand up through your ass and out your mouth and take the cookie right out of your hand. And back to the point here, when you and your wife decide that it’s time to do a little late-night sexual non-reproduction, you know your child is going to wake up, walk down the hall, kick in your door, see you on top of mommy and start screaming at you to stop hurting her.
When you were single and dating, you were on your best behavior in the sexual grooming department because it was part of the mating game. Once you get married, you’ve got a legal document signed by the state (and sometimes God) saying that your partner, legally-speaking, has to put out. So clearly, the game is gone. There’s no one to win-over, so, chances are, you go in a little unkempt. Before marriage, you actually trimmed and styled your pubes. Now, the mop you’ve got down there looks like the backside of a hippie’s head after he took a nap in a pile of leaves. Showering used to be an actual pre-sex ritual back before you got married and had a kid. You wanted to look and smell presentable. Now, showering before or (but never “and”) after sex is out of the question. Pre-sex, you’re commenting on someone’s awesome status on Facebook. Three minutes later, post-sex, you’re either back to Facebook or sawing logs. So of course, this is where baby wipes come in.
Now, if you’re a man, and our statistics show that 3 of our 4 average monthly visitors are, you know that women are very self-conscious about “odor issues.” So chances are your wife already has some form of cleansing wipes that she uses in secret (why’d you think she always runs off “to pee” before you guys hump it out?). So being vocal with her about wanting to make sure your magic wand is sparkling before you start casting spells might thrill the crap out of her. Might. Also, here’s something we’ll go to hell for, since we’re already in the doghouse:
I don’t think I need to tell you or your wife how to use baby wipes on yourself, because you spend most of every day gettin’er done on your kid. So just basically do unto you as you do unto them. Your partner will thank you, and chances are, the next morning, you will thank you. This might be a topic that no one really wants to talk about, but we all know that for whatever reason, when genitals play together, the resulting aroma sometimes ranks up there between “salty sack of pennies” and “clearance aisle in grocery store meat department.” It’s also possible I need to be asking my doctor about this. Anywho – if you want to wake up the next morning smelling like a junkyard, that’s cool, but if you just give yourself a little swipe, you’d be doing the world a favor. Or at least your bedroom.
WARNING: If you’re not married, you may not want to do this. Women know what babies smell like – it’s like a mutant ability they all have – so if they go *ahem* down there for a task and your junk smells like a baby, it might immediately trigger thoughts of lifelong commitment and turn them off. Then you’ll be booted out on the street with your pants in your hands and that “sexy time” playlist you put on your iPod will go to waste. You’ve been warned.
Assorted Function Pet Wipes
Since I’m still in the mode of giving bad advice, I’m here to tell you that you can use baby wipes on your pets. Just a friendly warning that I’ll make a couple times so you don’t put a dead dog on my doorstep with a vet bill – if you do use baby wipes on a dog or cat, make sure that you’re using the gentle, unscented, organic, hypoallergenic ones, and you’re not getting them in their eyes, mouth, or tip of their nose. That crap’s serious business to a dog, and though you might wonder why it’s safe for a baby anus but not a dog nose, you’re also not a dog or a veterinarian, so shut up and don’t do it. And if you are a vet, then I’m sorry for assuming otherwise.
But seriously, if you’ve got the super organic, hypoallergenic wipes, there’s no shame in using them on your dog’s paws after a walk in the mud, Also, if you’ve got one of those German Shepherds that always seem to be dusty and shedding, you can give a quick swipe down their body and it’ll pick up some of the loose hair and dirt. Be careful with puppies – you might be tempted to use a baby wipe on them after they om-nom-nom on some wet food but everything on puppies’ faces is so close together that you’re safer with a paper towel.
Also – if you’ve got a toddler and a dog, chances are that someday soon, you’re going to walk out to the living room and see your kid dumping butterscotch pudding on the dog. And first you’re going to think “hey baby, did you make butterscotch pudding? Because I could really go for some if you got extra.” Then you’re going to think “holy crap, now the dog’s standing up and is about to do the dog-shake-off and I’m going to have butterscotch pudding all over my television and couch.” So – if you can leap in with a baby wipe and remove the mess, then you’re golden. Golden like some sweet, sweet butterscotch pudding.
As a father, I’m always thinking of new ways to repurpose baby stuff. And if you buy diapers in bulk, chances are that you’ve been getting a deal on baby wipes. But with some of them being scented and some stronger than others, you might not be using them on your baby. That’s why I’m glad I was able to give you a couple suggestions of alternate uses for those extra wipes. And hell, if you don’t need them, I’ll take them!