As a first time parent, long term man, I was super stoked to decorate my daughter’s soon-to-be room, months before my wife’s due date. I painted it a two-tone pink with Disney-branded paint completed by a Disney princess wall border and hot pink baseboard. My wife and I picked out this decent-looking set of white furniture including a crib with vertical slats. We obviously wanted to make her room and the crib as comfortable and as safe as possible, and we also didn’t want the room to look like 1994 Hobo Humpin’ Slobo Babe.

We saw a Disney bed set that matched all the other pink sh*t in the room and thought that we had to get it. It looked great. It really tied the room together, like a nice Persian rug.

Now I wish we never would have bought it.

We ditched the crib bumper within the first few days of transitioning my daughter to the crib. This was well into the first couple of months of her sleeping in a bassinet on my wife’s side of our amazing king size mattress. We thought, like numerous other parents starting out, that it would protect her delicate head from hitting the verticle slats on the crib.

I mean as an adult, the word “bumper” sounds safe. You’d think, “I gotta have it so I can protect the small, soft human.” I have bumpers on my car. I like bumper cars. Bumpers saved my neck after this asshole kid hit me full speed from behind while I was waiting in the finish line to get out of my car in Autopia.

Anyways, we never used the heavy blanket that came in the set (except for maybe throwing it on a chair for decoration), the mobile was fine and came in handy even though the tempo seemed to be odd and slightly off. I think the only thing we used and still use is the bed skirt and the sheets occasionally. $140 for sheets and a bedskirt. FML.

We came to the conclusion almost immediately that, “Hey, if she rolls around in the middle of the night she could suffocate.” And regardless of the monitor we still use, which is the Angelcare Deluxe Movement Sensor with Sound Monitor, my wife and I really didn’t want to rely on the movement sensor telling us that our baby isn’t breathing, and we sure as sh*t never wanted the alarm to go off.

So ends my question of “Why the f*ck are these bed sets still being sold?”.