Well, I’ve got bad news and I’ve got good news.

The Bad News

The Boy Scouts of America are recalling their own jacket. Evidently, this warm-and-wonderful-looking jacket has retractable cords on it around the hoodie and waist. And while you’re thinking that’s pretty awesome because the wearer can pull the jacket tight in windy and wet weather, according to the buzzkill U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission, that’s a big no-no. Someone’s definitely losing their Safety merit badge.

So, if you were one of the unlucky 5,400 people to get a hold of this jacket, you’re going to need to either:

a) Return the jacket to the Boy Scouts like a loser-minded quitter, or

b) Remove the cords yourself like a problem-solving survivor.

So, the choice is yours, nancy. What would a real Boy Scout do? I mean, besides sell those crappy cone-shaped bags of butt-flavored popcorn.

The Good News

While looking for a picture of someone strangling on a jacket cord, I found this guy by the name of “Tres Tew,” who has a whole series of videos about defending yourself with a jacket. So, that’s pretty cool, but it made me sad that we don’t teach the Boy Scouts to strangle people with their parkas.