We as Americans value two things more highly than any other. We tout these to the rest of the world as the reason that our country is the greatest on the planet. We give them as reasons for being the object of hate of terrorists and oppressed people everywhere.

More than anything else, we love opportunity! The greatest thing about this country is that everyone has the opportunity to be successful. (Apparently)

The second greatest thing, is the ability to resent those with better opportunities, such as our children. This must be done, however, with the greatest level of efficiency. For, you know, freedom.

Here is a handy-dandy guide to helping parents resent their children in the most effective ways possible.

1. Don’t Ever Set Aside Time for Yourself

Children are the future. We must do everything we can to give them a leg up. This means that the time that you spend at poker games, at the gym, watching TV, checking your e-mail, reading this blog post, or sleeping, is all wasted time. You should be spending every moment, waking or not, playing with, talking to, working for, or otherwise paving a golden future for your kids.

If, in a moment of negligence, you take 30 seconds to relax and reflect upon things in life which are less wonderful than your children, like the latest episode of The Walking Dead, you should be ashamed of yourself. The sound you hear as you turn on electronic devices isn’t a high frequency whine. It’s the sounds of other children getting into medical school ahead of yours.

2. Challenge Them to Almost Anything

With the notable exception of the gentleman behind the Man Vs. Toddler video, if you challenge your child to almost any task, you will lose.

I don’t mean that they will be faster, stronger, or smarter than you, because most likely, they will not be. But you will still lose. Why? Because when the competition is over, they get to go play, or eat dirt, or make hand-turkeys.

You, however, get to go back to work to make money to buy them toys with which they will play while you are at work. In addition, you have the added shame of knowing that you challenged a child to a contest just so that you could feel superior.

Which leads to number 3:

3. Have a Job

Every weekday morning, your alarm clock goes off earlier than you could have imagined. You get up, shower, eat breakfast (maybe), drink coffee (if you’re lucky) and head off to work. Regardless of how much you may love your job, your kids are having more fun than you are.

You’re filing TPS reports, they’re playing cops and robbers on the playground. You’re sitting in a budget meeting, they’re trading their apple for some fruit snacks with the fervor of a coked-up day trader. You’re at work, desperately waiting for the weekend so that you can mow the lawn and do the laundry and paint the house and clean the windows and plant some flowers and go food shopping for the week. They are not at work.

4. Remember Your “Firsts”

Your first kiss, first car, first apartment, first ‘A’ in school, first best friend, first sleepover, first sip of beer, first time falling in love…

You are done with those. Admittedly, you have more “firsts” to look forward to, but they aren’t nearly as fun.

Your first adult diaper, your first pair of black socks with sandals, your first set of dentures, your first anxiety attack when your daughter brings a boy home.

Your first (medically related) prostate exam.

 

It is despising those who are more fortunate than us that makes this country great! Resent your kids now, before they grow up…

Or the terrorists win.

(Photos courtesy of GettyImages)

 

Editor’s Note: You can find this article on Justin’s blog alongside his other fatherhood ruminations.