End of Civilization

If you ever wanted to know how and why humanity is doomed to fail, look no further than the commercials interspersed during your kids’ favorite television shows. Though there’s been a recent resurgence of cool superhero stuff out there in toy stores, not all kid products are created equal. Among the newly-gendered LEGO sets, NERF sniper rifles and we-swear-its-not-just-marshmallows cereal commercials, you see just how low humanity can get.

How low? Well, let’s just put it this way: imagine everything you can exist without owning. Now take those ideas and make them worse.

Then head over to the next page for three prime examples (plus a bonus!) of why the meteor needs to end us sooner rather than later.

Squishy Baff

If you’re a raging alcoholic and want to be reminded of fun party drinks even while you’re not drinking, Squishy Baff has you covered. You can instantly make your kid’s bath look like a margarita, and all you’ve got to do is add some lemon slices, rim the tub with salt and let your kid play!

Everything about the idea of Squishy Baff screams “People of Walmart“:

Squishy Baff is touted in the commercial (@ 0:25) as:

  • No Artificial Fragrance
  • Environmentally Safe
  • Won’t Clog Drains
  • No Preservatives
  • No irritants
  • Made in UK
  • Not Tested on Animals

Now, first off, the biggest selling point: Made in UK. Second, do we really ever worry about preservatives in non-edible things? And if this stuff’s so safe and non-irritable, then why am I terrified by the warnings on the back of the packaging?

Totally safe, unless you let it touch your insides or outsides, or have it in the same room with a person who’s ever had surgery.

Am I being a little alarmist? Sure! But that’s what you pay me for.

The reviews are mixed on ThinkGeek; it seems like the biggest complaint is that Squishy Baff is an expensive baff. Each set consists of one activator packet and one dissolver costing $15. You’re better off using a food-safe dye and a bucket of packing peanuts if you want to give your kid a fun bath. Not really, but I’m trying to work with you here.

And I don’t mean to be a stickler, but if you’ve got a girl, you’re really not supposed to be using anything in the bath with colors, chemicals and scents. The biology behind it is all over my head, but something about bajingas and bubble baths don’t mix and can cause urinary tract infections. You can read more on that topic on the uncomfortably-titled “Toddler Vagina Care” section of What To Expect.

But genital piss-hole care isn’t just for girls! Boys can have sensitivity problems too. Do us a favor and pass on this expensive cocktail. Your kids might hate you for a month, but they won’t be vomiting in the tub from drinking the crap while developing scorching UTIs. If they do, I didn’t do it, so take it up with someone else.

 

Orbeez Soothing Spa

Orbeez knows how stressful it can be to be a 12 year old girl, so they’ve created the Orbeez Soothing Spa:

Check that girl out. Stressed. She needs a vacation, or at least a staycation. And why not? She’s got to work hard: she’s not as talented as the girls on Toddlers & Tiaras, she’s not as fortunate as the girls on Dance Moms, and she’s not nearly as gifted as the girls on Psychic Kids. But, because of all the hormones in her school lunches, she’s probably ovulating in full force and will be in MTV’s probably-upcoming series, Tween Mom.

You know what I was doing when I was a 12 year old girl boy? I was in super-easy classes in school and masturbating on the late night to squggled porn and Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” video because it had all those blurred boobs around Kirk Hammett’s set-up. And because before the widespread internet, THAT was what you got.

But hey, don’t let me be the buzzkill here…

Orbeez says relax

ORBEEZ SAYS RELAX

Okay, I’ll admit: School’s all tough n’ sh*t, allowances don’t cover costs of hand sanitizer for getting drunk, and there’s like, way too many months before the next Hunger Games movie.

Frankly, if you don’t buy your daughter an Orbeez Soothing Spa, you’re in no uncertain terms asking for your 5th grader to have a meltdown and go all Miley Cyrus on you. And since those g’damned Twilight movies taught little girls to stick with emotionally-vampiric relationships and boys who have the real potential to kill them, we all need to sit back, relax and feel the Orbeez between our toes.

It’s only fair.

Monopoly Electronic Banking Edition

Remember the terrifying economic recession in 2008 that was caused by the housing bubble bursting, and spiraled the country into a subprime mortgage crisis? People had been sold on the American dream of owning a house despite not having enough actual money to do so – which is totally a mentality we should be handing down to our kids. If only there was a game or…

Oh. No.

And since we’re in a fair mood, we should mention the featured song – Jessie J’s “Price Tag” – is horribly misrepresented here. The lyrics of Jessie J’s chorus are: “It’s not about the money, money, money / We don’t need your money, money, money / We just wanna make the world dance / Forget about the price tag”. Naturally, the commercial’s lyrics tell a different story: “It’s all about the money, money, money / You just need your money, money, money / We just want to make the world dance / It’s not about the price tag”.

What started as a song about fighting capitalism became the opposite – fun at any cost. I mean, I guess someone paid Jessie J, and she said “whatever bloke, you paid for the song – do what you want.” S**t, it IS all about the money, money, money!

Gordon Gekko

Like this.

So what’s bad about replacing Monopoly’s paper money with a credit card? I mean, after all, we know the worst part about playing Monopoly with your family was being the banker and having to count out all that crap. But think about it – something as simple as replacing fake money with a fake credit card changes the perception of money. As if it weren’t painfully obvious that the pastel money had no real-world value, now it has even less! Before, you used to dread when you’d accidentally lose a $50 bill during gameplay – because you lost that physical representation of the money you “owned”. Now, unless some dick waiter breaks into your house and uses a pair of exaggeratedly-long scissors to cut your mock credit card in half during your game, you have no chance of losing it. There’s no emotional attachment to the stack of cash…because there’s no stack of cash. You can’t even gloat during the game by fanning yourself with your millions – what kind of crap is that? Gordon Gekko just lost a raging boner.

Monopoly tokens

And dead serious, these are Monopoly’s tokens now, including a dog in a handbag and a Segway. FML.

I mean, c’mon. You know credit cards are the devil. Raise your hand if you signed up for a ridiculously high-rate, low-limit card in college because they were giving out free t-shirts. Yeah, see? And when you used that card to buy a Sony PlayStation 2, it took you 7 years at $11/month minimum payments to pay it off. You missed a month here and there, which bumped up your APR, and you didn’t realize for a couple of months that paying $11 was just covering interest.

Except it wasn’t really a Sony PlayStation. It was a house. And it wasn’t 7 years, it was 31. And it wasn’t $11/month…you’re getting where this is going, right?

Look, credit is great if you’re responsible and can play the system (shout-out to fellow father-blogger Jeff Bogle), but most of us can’t. We scream “FREE MONEY” and start spending until we hit our limit. Then, we spend forever trying to pay it back with another credit card, and pretty soon, we’re out #Occupying something, hashtag and all, because we thought it was someone else’s fault that we believed a company wanted to lend us invisible, fake money.

Invisible fake money has ruined you. It’s ruined America. And now we want to incorporate it in one of the most awesome board games. End of story.

BONUS! My Pee Pee Bottle

Because we love you, we’ve got a bonus for you. It’s not a toy, but it’s a product – ahem – for your kids…

Check mate, humanity – it’s the My Pee Pee Bottle.

My Pee Pee Bottle NOPEBTW, you got one of these last year at that charity walk your coworkers all did. It was free and it had the Kaiser Permanente logo on it. And it was for water. Pre-swallowed water.

This chick just used a Microsoft Publisher default font to spruce up a water bottle and told her kids to let ‘er rip. I mean, in a way, I kind of admire this gal; she had an idea, she ran with it, she slapped a logo onto an existing object, made a press kit, and got out there into the world. Some people have a filter in their head that says “holy s**t! Don’t do that!” This lady has no such filter.

And here’s a stern warning to all budding entrepreneurs: if you ever look at your product’s website and menu items and headings are in Comic Sans, it’s time for a life change.

But don’t take my word for it, let’s hear from Alexandra, the inventor of the My Pee Pee Bottle, about how the idea was born, after her 2 year old daughter contracted rotovirus from a public restroom:

“I had the specimen cup given to me by her pediatrician in an effort to capture either urine or a stool sample, as he was trying to determine what strain of the virus she could have. I cleaned and kept using the cup when we were out because I really liked how it solved my problem; easy, on-the-go, safe. My specimen cup was working well. However, there came a time when Sofia filled the 4oz cup and it overflowed. As unappealing as it may sound, I then started to use a 9oz baby bottle that I no longer used as a bottle, and that was close, but not perfect. The opening of a baby bottle is too narrow, not to mention you would never want the child to reach for their baby bottle and try to drink. My husband Troy, created the prototype for My Pee Pee Bottle ™, and My Pee Pee Bottle ™ was born, and solved my every wish!”

That’s from the My Pee Pee Bottle press kit (PDF). Feel free to read the rest at your leisure.

My Pee Pee Bottle NOPENow, if you’ll allow me to speak freely, I would rather bring with me a 3-foot-by-3-foot blue tarp with a hole cut in the middle that I just ceremoniously drape over a public toilet for my kid. For safety, I’d spraypaint a skull and cross-bones on the bottom side that touches the toilet so I’d know which side is “down.”

I will literally do anything to not have a bottle of piss with me all day (ever again).

I will, however, drink my own piss out of one of these things on our podcast if someone can prove to me that they use and like this.


So?

Something between the time when I was a kid and today is different. I used to play with Super Soakers, Hot Wheels and that Street Fighter Tiger Electronics game. And when I had to take a piss, I just did it in my pants or another kid’s mouth (which was totally okay, I was in the LAUSD).

Parents, be vigilant. Don’t buy this stuff. You’re making the end of civilization approach at break-neck speed and I’m not ready for it.

Problem? Complaint? Did I get it wrong? Do you let your kids use this stuff? Feel free to call me an asshole in the comments. And if I got it right, you can still call me an asshole, because it’s super fun.