Baby Nope

First things first, I need you to promise me a couple of things: 1) that you won’t tell anyone that I read Jezebel, and 2) that you won’t tell Jezebel that I read Jezebel.

So I was reading Jezebel, and recently, blogger Tracy Moore put up an article (linked below) called “You’re So Not Almost Ready for a Baby, Even If You Think You Are”. Moore’s got a good list of reasons why your girlfriend, fiancé, wife, and/or best friend is probably not ready for that baby they’ve been looking to squirt out. And here at 8BitDad, we’d love to tell you not-yet-father-dudes that you’re – deep breath – ready to take the plunge. And by that, I mean a plunge with your totally unprotected penis into a totally unprotected vagina.

The truth is: you might not be ready. And that’s okay! Moore says your gal might not be ready too! Let’s do some real-talk right now ’bout it.

Moore says there are a couple of main reasons why gals think they’re ready. We’ll go through them, but turn the tables on it. Do you think you’re ready for a baby for any of these reasons?

  • You think you’re ready because you have a good job. This, of all of Moore’s list, is probably the most different for a man than a woman, but it hinges on your post-birth plan. Oh, you don’t have a plan? That’s awesome! While I’m the only one that will tell you that you canhave enough money for a baby (while people will say “oh you’re never ready and never have enough money”), I’ll say that just because you’ve got a good job doesn’t mean you’re ready. Are you traveling 9 months out of the year? Are you able to take time off for doctor’s appointments, baby gym classes, random zoo trips, school stuff and sports games?
    Okay, touché, you might. And that’s where this list might be different for men than women. If you’ve got a good salary and an open schedule, you’ve got a good job for kid-raisin’. On the other side of the coin, if you’re an hourly with not-incredible time-off and your pay stinks, now’s not the time for you. All those people that say “we’ll make it work” are morons. Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy a sh*t-ton of diapers, which coincidentally you’ll need.And for those men who work out of the home or take care of their home while their wife works, rough times are ahead. It’ll level out, eventually, but ask any stay/work at home dad about how much work gets done during the day and take notes.
  • You have a willing partner. This is surprisingly similar for men. Just because she’s ready doesn’t mean you are. If you’re still Mr. Partyboy, or are one of those guys that needs to go to Vegas once a month “with the homies,” then your willing partner means nothing; you’re not yet willing. You’ll stick your partner at home with the kid while you’re out partying, which will piss her off and end your relationship.
  • You LOVE babies. Well sh*t, who doesn’t when they’re not filled with your DNA? Babies know when they’re in public, and depending on what parents have done prior in conditioning their babies (I swear, this is totally a thing), the baby will either be terrible or incredible. But this is just when they’re out and about. Babies get out into the world and it’s big and colorful and awesome, so they’re well-behaved. It’s like adults going to Vegas: some get trashed and start screaming at people and throwing up, but most of them just grab an oversized drink and zone out. That’s what babies do when you’re out of the house.
    This also applies to toddlers. When you see parents in public and they’re kid is a charmer, it’s because they’ve worked long, hard hours destroying their child’s willpower to misbehave. When you’re at your cousin’s house once a year for family reunion and his son is getting everyone drinks and playing Call of Duty with the guys, it’s because he’s excited. The second you all leave, he’ll be throwing controllers, spilling things and yelling “NO” to everything while doing Spinning Bird Kicks whenever mom and dad get close.
  • You have a dog. Or, more accurately, “you guys moved in with each other and got a dog and/or cat.” I don’t know why, but when couples move in together before marriage, they get a pet. My best guess: the woman wants to see what the guy will be like taking care of something alive, and the man just wanted to buy a really heavy-handed Valentine’s Day gift. Dogs are not people. Cats are not people. You cannot leave a baby at your house alone while you’re at the grocery store. End of story.
  • You’re working through a Baby Bucket List. I’m not sure dudes have these things. There are plenty of guys who have a mental “when I have a kid…” lists, but it’s usually stuff like “play catch in the park” or “have one of those watching-the-game-with-the-kid moments.” These are easy-peasy things that aren’t really a bucket list so much as “this is being a father.”

I’d love to say we’ve got more reasons, but we don’t. Tracy Moore pretty much nailed it.

Be sure to check out Moore’s “Baby Squad™ Fitness Program for Actual Baby Readiness,” which there’s no possible way we could one-up (which is 8-bit for “look for an upcoming post where we absolutely steal these ideas and claim them as our own”). And since you made it this far, just go check out Moore’s original article (linked below). It’s a really good window into a woman’s mind – particularly, a woman who has had a kid. She knows what she’s talkin’bout, ya dig? Also, she uses the word “handjob” in the article. And…that’s a wrap for us!