I was completely caught off-guard when one night without warning, my wife, who was several months pregnant at the time, brought someone else into our bed. At first I was excited, I mean guys are always talking about having 2 partners at the same time as if it is the holy grail, so I thought we should go for it.

Plus, she seemed like she really wanted it, even more than I did, and said that it would make her sleep better afterwards. However this partner would turn out to be much more than I bargained for, and ultimately more than I could handle.

I should probably say before this gets too “Penthouse Forum” that the third party in our bed was a Leachco Snoogle body pillow.

Now, if you are one of those guys whose partner didn’t use one of these bed-real estate sucking monsters, let me clue you in. It’s a giant person-sized and 12″ wide extruded pillow with a curve at the bottom for “temperature control” and another at the top to cradle her head meanwhile running down her back (or front) for extra support.

And I get it: she is growing another human inside her while her body is doing all kinds of crazy things to make her uncomfortable. Besides, before the body pillow, we had 3 extra pillows in the bed that would get wielded like some kind of crazy tri-nunchuck in the middle of the night as she made adjustments to get comfortable. The problem was that as she would be tossing and turning and adjusting, it was only a matter of time before one end of that pillow would get thrust in a way that caused me to dream of being Ed Norton in the American History X NSFW prison scene.

I know that she wasn’t violating me with a pillow on purpose, and that the urgency with which she was trashing the pillow indicated the sudden level of discomfort that she was experiencing. If I drew a “me or the pillow” line, I knew I was not going to win that fight, and rightfully so. It should be said that it is one of my prime directives to make sure that my wife is happy and comfortable at all times, and especially when she was pregnant. So, off to the guest bed I went.

It’s funny how not sleeping with your partner can cause such an unexpected reaction.

I mean, at this point I was still traveling 3-4 days a month for work and was sleeping in hotels overnight, but hotel sleep doesn’t count. It’s like a hall pass of the bed-using-world. And the guest bed was great at first. You have all this space to yourself and nobody is shining a light in your face to read by or stealing all the covers during the night. But then as time goes on you realize that you don’t get those sweet morning snuggles or the puzzled questions about who wadded up all the covers and tossed them on the floor on her side of the bed. I even tried getting in bed with her and waiting for her to fall asleep and then sneaking off only to return just before she got up in the morning.

Ultimately it became a mixed bag of sleeping arrangements that got me through that next 6 months.

It was a banner day in my house when a month or so after our son was born that she announced that the body pillow was going into storage (YAY!)…

…until last week.

Now that she is a few months pregnant again, it has reemerged from it’s closet shelf slumber and reinfested our bed. I was amazed at how quickly I had blocked out this part of the pregnancy that was such a part of my life only 18 months ago. In fact, it made me quiver for a minute as a stay-at-home-dad wondering what else I had forgotten about already?

After the first night, and a repeat performance by the pillow, we had a long chat about how we were going to deal with it this time. I know that her going without the body pillow was a non-starter for both of us, so this time we talked about getting a king sized bed. We had been thinking about getting a new mattress anyway, and since we are both over 6′ it makes sense. Not to mention that it will give the kids and I extra room to reenact the Apollo 11 landing.

Luckily, Memorial Day weekend was coming up, and what better way to show your gratitude for the troops than by saving some money on a mattress? (seriously, Thank You Troops!)

It has now been a week since we upgraded to bed 2.0 and so far it has worked out well for both of us. I still sleep on a 16″ edge sliver of the bed, but now my wife and her pillow have basically a queen sized mattress to themselves. Which seems to be keeping the three of us pretty happy, so far.

I know that not everyone can afford the expense or floor space to switch to a king size bed, so I’m not suggesting that guys do this. It’s just fortunate for me that it worked out this way and enabled me to stop wearing the chastity belt I had fashioned late one night from my pillowcase.