big hands big stache

Real talk: a Pakistani father was kidnapped and kept in a cave until he shaved his mustache. He continues to receive death threats and has gone into hiding until this mess blows over, which it won’t, because he vows to never shave the mouth brow again.

Businessman and father of 10, Malik Amir Mohammad Khan Afridi had become somewhat of a local hero with his 30-inch oiled, combed, twirled and styled mustache. Then, the 48 year old Afridi started receiving threats from the Lashkar-e-Islam, a militant Islamic group in Pakistan. First, the group wanted $500 per month for safety insurance. Afridi denied and soon found himself kidnapped and in a cave, with demands that he trim or shave his glorious lip-python. That was in 2009.

I didn’t make this up.

Afridi was held in the cave for a month. Why the extremists didn’t just shave him by force, I don’t know. It seems like if you’re attempting to extort a man for $500 a month, then kidnap him, you might as well go the whole nine and just shave his lady-tickler.

See, in Pakistan, militant groups like the Lashkar-e-Islam try to keep folks’ facial hair tight-n-right (or completely shaved) on the grounds of religious doctrine.

Afridi, scared for his life, shaved his bro-merang. And just like that, he was a free man. Afridi moved to Peshawar with his family.

Since you can’t keep a good ‘stache farmer down, Afridi grew back the womb broom in 2012. Immediately, he started getting threatening phone calls again.

obey stacheAfridi moved away from his family for their safety, fleeing to Faisalabad. Once or twice a month, he returns to Peshawar to visit his family.

And check it, Afridi’s lip-sweater costs him $150 per month to maintain. According to the India Times, dude gets a $50 monthly bursary (that’s basically a grant) from the Khyber administration. Evidently, they pay between $10 and $60 “to men with particularly eye-catching” mustaches. You know, because virility and bravery. Duh.

Afridi’s trying to get a visa for his family to move to the United States, Canada, Britain or Dubai.

Here’s the kicker: Afridi’s family wishes he’d just shave the lip-sweater and come live with them. Dude told the Associated Press, “Sometimes my family tell me ‘cut it, it would be better if you lived with us.’ I can leave my family, I can leave Pakistan, but I can never cut my moustache again.”

Cause yeah, that’d be ridiculous to go and raise your 10 kids. Stache-on, player.