Cartoon Truths

Oh sure, the cartoons that your child watches seem okay. They seem educational. They teach our little ones about emotions by showing them a funny character in all sorts of mayhem. But did you know that some of your child’s favorite shows are harboring big secrets?

It’s true! The networks would never come right out and say this, but I have it on good authority that the cartoons our kids watch – such as Caillou, Curious George and Max & Ruby – have very grim beginnings and ultimately, ends. Murders, wars, kids living in squalor – those are just some of the situations you’re not being told about when your child watches these cartoons.

But I, dear readers, will give you the scoop. The truth wants to be free.

Caillou: The Murder Trial

From the white-cloud-bordered visuals to the voice-over, we’re expected to believe that the show is actually being narrated by Caillou’s grandmother. But the truth is that the plot of Caillou is taking place from within Caillou’s mother’s witness testimony.

Caillou Caption

This is a screengrab of the subtitles from one of the later episodes.

Caillou had, as you can see, a tantrum-filled youth and with his wild emotions unchecked, he, in his early 40s, murdered his neighbor after a scuffle over exactly who broke neighbor’s tuba. From what I’ve gathered in the testimony I heard, Caillou had spent some time living in Nunavut, somewhere in an old decommissioned iron ore mine in the Canadian Arctic Archipelago. No one had heard from Caillou for years, aside from a yearly postcard he’d sent to his parents simply saying “I’m safe. Send Rosie my regards.”

Sometime later, Caillou resurfaced in Winnipeg, Manitoba. He kept to himself, lived in a basement apartment and left no footprint. He had no e-mail address, no credit cards, no residence registered in his name, and paid for everything in cash.

At some point, the scuffle with his neighbor happened, and with blood on his hands, a manhunt began in the streets of Winnipeg. Caillou was finally caught near the United States border with a tactical backpack full of weapons and wearing a disguise including a handmade wig comprised of moose hair.

At his trial, everyone assumed Caillou would be punished to the fullest extent of the law until his mother was called to the stand and cross-examined by the defense. The stories you see on the show are Caillou’s mother’s answers to the defense’s questions. “Caillou’s mother, would you say that when Caillou lost his car in the ice cream parlor, he experienced a deep sense of loss and hurt? Walk us through that memory…”

Caillou Memories

Caillou has vivid memories, to say the least.

“Growing up is not so tough”, as Caillou mentions in his theme song, except when he’s had enough.