4. Bible Adventures (Wisdom Tree – 1991)

Bible Adventures

When Nintendo ruled the world, there was a little something called the Nintendo Seal of Quality. You knew a game had to be cleared with Nintendo at every step, and everything had to be properly licensed and made with the spirit of Japanese fun and games. Well, all that went out the window when game companies like Wisdom Tree found ways to create unlicensed games that bypassed Nintendo’s 10NES lockout chip.

One such game was the incredibad Bible Adventures.

Look, I was raised Catholic. My Baptist childhood friend had this game. I get it. There’s room in the gaming world for religious fervor and Jesus’ message of peace. And there’s definitely room for a game that lets you throw baby Moses like a football.

I’m totally kidding, you’d never throw a football like that. Not even if you were Christian quarterback wunderkind Tim Tebow.

Really though, what the wholesome, Christ-filled f**k? In this part of the game, you play as Moses’ sister and need to bring Moses to the river in order to send him on his way and set the course of the book of Exodus in motion, of course.

What does this have to do with fatherhood? Basically nothing. Except that Wisdom Tree, a company based on religious values was one of the chief hackers of Nintendo’s lockout chip. Nice Christian values there, Wisdom Tree. You really taught us not to covet thy neighbor’s video game business. The real fatherhood lesson here is to teach my son not to judge a book by its cover, even if that book is the Bible.

All I know is that my son is enrolled in Catholic school, and I’m telling him to keep one eye open during prayers, and if someone touches his lockout chip, to call the police.


5. Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!! (Nintendo – 1987)

Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!

Hailed as one of the best NES games of all time, it’s also one of the most racist. I mean, holy hell with the stereotypes.But the most teachable thing Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!! had to offer, especially to fatherhood, was