Dick Business Phrases for Parents

Now that a bunch of businessmen are raising families while their wives concuss themselves against the glass ceiling, the living room is the new boardroom.

Nothing says “I’m bringing us out of the emotional recession of raising babies” like standard operating procedure and business jargon in the home. These are 10 dick businessman things you can say to your young kids if you intend to run your home the way you ran your Fortune 500 company (And yes, we’re all aware you were at a Fortune 500 company back in like, 1988, Chad).

If you want to make sure your family unit is a sustainable business model, you need a standard operating procedure. And this list is a damn good starting point.

PHRASE: “I need you to give 110% on this, buddy.”

WHEN TO USE IT: When your child is just giving the industry-minimum 100%, and you know deep in your cold, black heart that a little – precisely 10% – more blood, sweat and elbow grease will truly get the second coat of wax on your convertible faster. It’s not enough for your son to win, they’ve got to remember that sweat is just fear leaving the body.

PHRASE: “That’s a great value-add!”

WHEN TO USE IT: Parents over-use the “good job” compliment. Your kid didn’t do a job. They don’t know what work is. They’ve never had to run reports late into a Friday night while everyone else parties in the city below. Your child isn’t doing a job, they’re creating a value-add; they’re simply adding to the value of the family. You bring home a check, it’s a job. You increase your worth in the family unit, it’s a value-add.

parenting is for closersPHRASE: “Let’s circle back…”

WHEN TO USE IT: Obviously, your 3 year old daughter isn’t understanding the synergy it takes to wash and dry dishes with her brother. She can’t stay focused, and dishes are going back into the cupboard wet. So you let her know that you’ll have to put the dishes on hold for now and you’ll circle back to it later when she’s feeling more refreshed and ready to serve the team better.

PHRASE: “Son, it’s time we get your core competency up to snuff.”

WHEN TO USE IT: Any time you feel like your toddler’s fundamentals are lacking. I mean, there’s snuff, and then there’s your kid. He’s not up to it, the snuff. Whatever that means. In this economy, having core competency means he can step into any role, any time. And thank god, because dinner ain’t gonna cook itself.

PHRASE: “We’ll be on the bleeding edge.”

WHEN TO USE IT: You’ve read all the parenting websites and know the normal child developmental schedules. But you know that with that aforementioned 110%, you could get your little one to hit their numbers ahead of schedule. You’ve got to sit them down and let them know that you, as a team, will be on the bleeding edge of childhood development if only they could, say, learn Microsoft PowerPoint by age 3.

PHRASE: “You’re gonna have to hit the ground running”

WHEN TO USE IT: It’s bad enough that your daughter is in karate. She’s a girl, why does she need to learn to fight, amirite? Anyway, her class ran long because some people got belts or something. So you need a motivational metaphor to let her know that sure, it’s probably not your fault that you’re late, but you can still move this turd of a night through the pipes and get everyone to their cocktail before double digits. Voila.

PHRASE: “This is our family’s best practice.”

WHEN TO USE IT: Don’t be negative with your children. They don’t understand “no.” But they understand what’s best for your family unit, explained in best practices. Sure, you could let your toddler paint inside, but your family’s best practice is to paint outside, where furniture won’t get paint on it. If it’s currently snowing outside, your family’s best practice is to let your kids paint at school. Everything’s got a time and a place.

Do you find that your kids’ close rates have been suffering? Are they having a problem with your family’s business model? Then you need these phrases to help your kids return the investment you’ve put in them. Otherwise, why are you even buying into parenthood if not for the sweet profits?

Hit us with any great business phrases you use in parenting in the comments!