It has been zero days since my last heartburn.

Welcome to the holiday season – a stretch of calendar days where people of every culture have at least one day set aside for gift giving and eating. Between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Day, I am in a constant state of satisfaction and indigestion. Should I be eating all of the foods? At once? YES AND YUM.

Pepto #PinkRelief

I’ve got five distinct things I need to eat and do during the holiday season in order to feel like I’ve fulfilled my traditions. And they all somehow lead me to a night of rolling around in bed with stomach acid burning in me. But what a way to go, right?

Here are all my biggest holiday indigestion offenders:

1. Die Hard + Leftovers

If Die Hard isn’t your traditional Christmas season movie, I don’t know if we can be friends. I can only watch Die Hard after Thanksgiving, late at night, and usually once I see that it’s on TV, I go warm up a bowl of leftovers and watch. Watching it on cable TV (instead of Netflix) is a tradition of mine: I watch the edited television version because then when it’s on, it catches me by surprise. Oh sure, eventually I watch it on DVD so I can hear more than just “yippekiyay [SILENCE]” but I like to start the season with it on cable.

Usually Die Hard shows up on television right after Thanksgiving, so I grab a bowl (always a bowl, never a plate), and put in mashed potatoes, stuffing, turkey and whatever vegetable we’ve got. I give it a lathering of gravy and into the microwave it goes.

If Christmas is, as Hans Gruber says, “the time of miracles”, then watching Die Hard while plowing through a bowl of leftovers is my holiday church service. It’s at least holy. I mean, Karl, Franco and Fritz end up with holes in them, amiright?

2. Video Games + Christmas Cookies

Remember when you were a kid and Christmas break meant that you could stay up late and play video games? I don’t need to remember this because I still do it. Having days off work means that you can find me logged into Xbox Live later in the night playing DestinyCall of DutyHalo, or Rainbow Six Siege. And usually around midnight it’s time for every cookie in the house to get in me. Unfortunately, hunching forward in my gaming stance while mowing cookies is heartburn waiting to happen.

Cookies are plentiful and delicious during the holiday season and everyone wants to give them to me. And I oblige. They’re all scratch-made, and different colors and flavors and some are shaped like people, and I’m pretty sure one of them even had bacon on it. Oh god, I just want to talk about cookies with you all day long. And video games. My stomach hurts.