As I’m sure you all know, I am a deeply religious man. I am constantly prostrating myself before the idol of irony, often involuntarily. I would like to offer up the Commandments by which I attempt to live and parent. I hope that they will be useful to you in your own spiritual journey through parenthood.
I will also state that I don’t follow these nearly as often as I would like because I am a hypocrite and controlled by my emotions.
But I do try.
There comes a time in every future Sith Lord’s life when the Queen wants to bang out a couple of kids before she dies. This is true for Anakin Skywalker who *spoiler alert* is bestowed the honor of “Lord Vader” by Darth Sidious. Darth Vader And Son captures the adorable reality of what life would have been like for Darth Vader as a single working father, in Episode III.V… before Episode IV: A New Hope.
Very soon, I’ll be returning home from Afghanistan, where I’ve been deployed away from my family for nearly a year. Let me tell you that I am absolutely thrilled to see my wife and kiddos, and I bet they are stoked to have me home as well.
I’m fortunate that this is only my first deployment, and also that it will likely be my last for some time. For a lot of American military families, this is not the case, and some military members with multiple deployments have been away for three, four, even FIVE years of their childrens’ lives.
The sweetest part of a military deployment is probably the homecoming, where we reunite with the people in our lives that we love most. Amidst the countdowns and preparations, a lot is built up around having the family intact again. Military parents make plans just as much as I am sure the children do. I’ve got some plans of my own that I thought I would like to share at 8BD. So here’s a list of the 5 things I can’t wait to do with my kids once I get home from Afghanistan.
If you ever wanted to know how and why humanity is doomed to fail, look no further than the commercials interspersed during your kids’ favorite television shows. Though there’s been a recent resurgence of cool superhero stuff out there in toy stores, not all kid products are created equal. Among the newly-gendered LEGO sets, NERF sniper rifles and we-swear-its-not-just-marshmallows cereal commercials, you see just how low humanity can get.
How low? Well, let’s just put it this way: imagine everything you can exist without owning. Now take those ideas and make them worse.
Then head over to the next page for three prime examples (plus a bonus!) of why the meteor needs to end us sooner rather than later.
One of the things that we decided as parents early on was that it was important to us to continue to do the things we love to do (in our pre-baby lives) and to socialize our kid(s) into “our lifestyle” rather than completely restructuring our entire lives around them. This meant finding a way to continue to go out for meals at some of our favorite restaurants without being the parents with the screaming kid that everyone wishes would just leave (fodder for another post).
Our Highchair Dilemma: one of the first things we noticed was that a lot of our favorite places didn’t even have high chairs, and the ones that did were pretty nasty. So step 1 was to buy a fabric cover so that our son was at least sitting in a clean chair (not that we are freaky about germs or anything, but I wouldn’t sit in a chair if it were as dirty as what they offered us for our son). This worked fine, doubled as a shopping cart cover, but was bulky to carry around and no help when the establishment didn’t have highchairs.
Let’s pretend you’re one of the most-known names in the meat industry. Let’s pretend your number-one selling product is hot dogs. Now, I’ve got no real demographics in front of me, but wouldn’t you want brand loyalty from men? So now, just for funsies, let’s just assume that fathers are men too. Using all this logic, wouldn’t a company like Oscar Mayer want to play friendly with fathers?
They should want to. But they’re not. And fathers, you should be mad. Your friend is stabbing you in the back. And as a coup de grâce, Oscar Mayer even jabs at father bloggers too.
Oscar Mayer’s new suite of commercials is so toxic for fathers that it’s making me rethink grilling season.
This was too easy that I actually had a difficult time coming up with a trademark #8BD lead image. I hemmed and hawed over options like this, to this, to that… and somehow, I still feel like I’ve let you down.
Anyways, the latest issue of Time Magazine is the equivalent to a Paul/Blake lob city slaaaaam dunk for social media. Everyone is talking about the cover featuring nipple-magnet Jamie Lynne Grumet, a somewhat attractive a-cup L.A. mommy blogger who continues to breastfeed her 3-year-old son in skinny jeans and will continue until he’s five. Her blog is Iamnotthebabysitter.com, which has since crashed due to traffic (even though she’s had half the number of monthly visits we get… until now).
Editor’s Note: “Fatherhood On the Go” is the multi-part story of Remy Stevensen and his family. Please read Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4 & Part 5. Also, consider donating to this cause (links removed, campaign over) to make Remy’s ride a success!
So, the end of this road has come. It came at the intersection of HWY 30 and the entrance of a Super Wal-Mart in Iowa. Many people have told us to not see this adventure as a failure, but that has been a rough conclusion to get to. I have begun to accept that shit happens and that no matter what choice we made, we did the best that we could against so many odds. Sometimes adventurers have to dip out of the dungeons, get back to the village for repairs, potions and better equipment. I just wish that the DM could have thrown in some better loot!
(BTW, this episode is brought to you by D&D)
I miss all the hats I was able to wear; father, mechanic, navigator and husband. I still wear them now but it’s not the same. When we were riding, I constantly had to switch them, now that we are temporarily done some will just collect dust for a time. I have realized that being a parent is tough no matter where you are or what you are doing, unless of course, you are a lazy P.O.S. expletive-bag parent. We all have roles which we fill; the thief can be the comedic relief, bad guy and save the party once or twice too!
So – journey’s over. This leg of it, at least. We’re in Maine now, planning the rest of our lives.