Back when it was a totally dope diss to say “don’t have a cow, man”, kids had a vocabulary full of pop culture. There was something magical about old video games’ vocal snippets. Because games had limited memory, and because we were dealing with cartridges and CDs instead of giant hard drive installs, sound bytes were short, succinct and hilarious.
My friends and I would dole out disses and exclamations based on video game sound bites. I wonder how many of these were common among your group of friends too! The best thing is that I’ve found that some old school video game phrases are totally still usable now that I’m a father…
Game: NBA Jam (1993)
System: Arcade, Genesis, Game Gear, SEGA CD, SNES, Game Boy
Usage: After jamming home some trash next to your unaware child.
Of course. NBA Jam was a game full of sound bites and quotables. And while “he’s on fire” was commonly thrown around by my friends, the more forceful exclamation was a gentle “BOOMSHAKALAKA” yelled into the ear of a friend who merely had the bad luck of standing next to a trash can while you had something to throw out. You’d throw down the trash so authoritatively that let’s face it, you should have looked into a career as a garbage man. Well, now you’re a parent, so part of your job is being a garbage man, so the next time you need to throw something out, do it with style and scream “BOOMSHAKALAKA!” Your kid will repeat it in no time.
Let me be frank with you: dads are doing cute shit and you should point at them and squeal “D’AWWWWW”. And because some of you haven’t dipped your skulls into the pantheon of cute, nerdy, loving, involved dads out there, I’m here to recommend some.
You will follow them. You will enjoy them. You will like some of their photos. These tasks will cost you nothing out of pocket, but will make their day.
In case you don’t have your ear to the streets, (and why would you, it’s filthy) you might not know about a new trend: the “dad bod”.
In short, the dad bod is the body your dad’s got. you go check him out and tell him we said hello while you’re out. Don’t worry, we’ll wait.
You back? Okay cool. So the dad bod, as you saw, means you’re not cut anymore. You do some sit-ups and maybe run a little, but your youthful definition is gone. It’s cool, man. The ladies are into it. It’s socially acceptable. It’s in GQ, for crying out loud.
Hey, up front: this is a sponsored post. Though we’re going to talk about some typical 8BitDad dad commercial stuff, I’m letting you know that I was compensated by the Swiffer folks with money and product to talk about their #SwifferDad campaign. Opinions, as always, are all mine.
You know the Swiffer commercials: a green box shows up on someone’s front porch, and suddenly the family enjoys cleaning. But what you might not have noticed is that Swiffer commercials have been really kind to fathers.
With the new “Swiffer Dad” campaign (HASHTAG!), P&G really put their money behind dads, even enlisting some dad bloggers for their commercials. Seem legit, right?
Now that a bunch of businessmen are raising families while their wives concuss themselves against the glass ceiling, the living room is the new boardroom.
Nothing says “I’m bringing us out of the emotional recession of raising babies” like standard operating procedure and business jargon in the home. These are 10 dick businessman things you can say to your young kids if you intend to run your home the way you ran your Fortune 500 company (And yes, we’re all aware you were at a Fortune 500 company back in like, 1988, Chad).
If you want to make sure your family unit is a sustainable business model, you need a standard operating procedure. And this list is a damn good starting point.
Video games have evolved at breakneck speed since their mass appeal took off in the 1970s. We’ve gone from arcades and home consoles to handhelds and cellphones in a short matter of time. We’ve moved away from big boxy cartridges, and can now download thousands of games straight to our consoles.
Obviously, some old school video game stuff is no longer around. Did you have any of these?
Our modern connectivity is a marvelous thing, and never more marvelous than when it’s connecting a father with his child.
And BTW, if you don’t want your noodle baked, then stop reading. Things are about to get cranked up to 11 on the future scale.
How crazy could connectivity get, right? How about a dad watching his baby’s birth through a VR headset? How about dads feeling their unborn children kicking through a smartwatch?
IS YOUR BRAIN MELTY YET?
Every father has that “aha” moment. It’s not a great one, but it binds fathers rich and poor, in big and small cities across the country: the moment of “aha – there is no diaper changing station in the men’s room.”
This is usually followed by the second “aha” moment: “aha – I’ve got to change my baby on the floor of a bathroom stall.”
Dad blogger Scotty Schrier has a solution in the form of an interactive map of dad-friendly local changing stations at Dads Who Change Diapers. You can help other dads by adding a location to Scotty’s map when you find a changing station in the wild. And please do, because crowd-sourced stuff like this needs all the help it can get.