Look, we all love our kids. But sometimes, something deep inside of you becomes a petty monster and you give your kid such a side eye that it actually hurts your own reproductive organs.
That was me last week — three times — over video games.
Super Mario Bros. 3 is still an incredible game. We thought we’d pay a little homage to it the best way we know how: asking you which of Super Mario Bros. 3‘s powerups best describes your parenting style.
Are you firey? Do you throw hammers? Do you avoid parenting duties by standing still like a statue? We made a graphic that’ll help you decide…
It’s the second day of autumn, and if you haven’t already talked to your children about pumpkin spice, it might already be too late.
Pumpkin spice is a wonderful and warm mix of cinnamon, allspice, nutmeg, ginger and cloves. It signals the coming of the autumnal holidays of Halloween and Thanksgiving, easing folks into the also-cinnamon-drenched Christmas season that begins the moment the last person at your Thanksgiving dinner table puts their dessert fork down.
Pumpkin spice is also a historically-weird thing; it’s got a vague rise to American stardom, mired in really, terribly imperialist beginnings. But, but, but – it’s still delicious, you say! It still works in sweet and savory things alike!
But that’s exactly why you need to talk to your kids about pumpkin spice.
Everyone writes these great stories about the things about fatherhood that surprised them. Wonderful, pie-in-the-sky stuff, like how first-time-father-dudes never truly knew how to love until they saw their child’s eyes. Or the surprise of having to learn how to do girl’s hair as the father of a daughter.
That’s all totally valid.
But there are a lot of things that are very not-shocking about fatherhood. Things that, when they happen, you saw them from so far away that you actually forgot about them until they were right there, running you over.
There are a lot of surprising things about fatherhood, but there are a lot of no-brainers, obvi…
In the 1980’s, Hulk Hogan was a phenomenon. He was the most recognizable face of professional wrestling for decades, and “Hulkamania” swept the nation, creating never-ending waves of merchandising, tie-ins and sound bites. Many people were inspired to wrestle after watching that golden-haired Hulk leg drop competitor after competitor. Others were inspired to name their children “Hulk.” Now, through Hulk Hogan’s lawsuit with Gawker Media, news has emerged that Hogan made racist remarks found in a leaked sex tape transcript. This news has caused the WWE to fire Hogan and scrub their sites of his existence.
So how do parents who named their children after the wrestling icon feel now that we know he’s a flaming racist?
In case you don’t have your ear to the streets, (and why would you, it’s filthy) you might not know about a new trend: the “dad bod”.
In short, the dad bod is the body your dad’s got. you go check him out and tell him we said hello while you’re out. Don’t worry, we’ll wait.
You back? Okay cool. So the dad bod, as you saw, means you’re not cut anymore. You do some sit-ups and maybe run a little, but your youthful definition is gone. It’s cool, man. The ladies are into it. It’s socially acceptable. It’s in GQ, for crying out loud.
Now that a bunch of businessmen are raising families while their wives concuss themselves against the glass ceiling, the living room is the new boardroom.
Nothing says “I’m bringing us out of the emotional recession of raising babies” like standard operating procedure and business jargon in the home. These are 10 dick businessman things you can say to your young kids if you intend to run your home the way you ran your Fortune 500 company (And yes, we’re all aware you were at a Fortune 500 company back in like, 1988, Chad).
If you want to make sure your family unit is a sustainable business model, you need a standard operating procedure. And this list is a damn good starting point.
Video games have evolved at breakneck speed since their mass appeal took off in the 1970s. We’ve gone from arcades and home consoles to handhelds and cellphones in a short matter of time. We’ve moved away from big boxy cartridges, and can now download thousands of games straight to our consoles.
Obviously, some old school video game stuff is no longer around. Did you have any of these?