I know you’re only four, and I know that you can’t read. I know that I haven’t let you on my computer much, and I’m sorry. Because what I’m about to tell you is of utmost importance: it’s high time you learned Microsoft Excel.
A lot of people think that Excel is simply a tool for boring suits to map out data. Well, son, that’s partially true. But Excel is exciting and Excel can be pretty rock and roll if you trust Excel.
I’ve got a book on pivot tables that we can start reading together before bed. It’s not exactly Shel Silversteen, but I do consider it no coincidence that both the cover of The Giving Tree and the Microsoft Excel icon are both resplendently green.
Fathers around the globe know what it’s like to be blinded by the pain of a freshly-crushed tomato. And by that, I mean a squashed testicle. Kids love to run up and hug you, usually at the expense of your man-bits.
This is where the Cock Blocker comes in. It effectively obscures your junk from the impact of a throttling child who’s not conscious that they’re not the only little ones you love in your life.
As I’m sure you all know, I am a deeply religious man. I am constantly prostrating myself before the idol of irony, often involuntarily. I would like to offer up the Commandments by which I attempt to live and parent. I hope that they will be useful to you in your own spiritual journey through parenthood.
I will also state that I don’t follow these nearly as often as I would like because I am a hypocrite and controlled by my emotions.
But I do try.
Everyone knows someone in their lives who, when asked what they want for their birthday or Christmas or Hannukah or housewarming or whatever, will reply that they don’t want anything. Usually, these people are being polite and do want something but are either too humble to ask, or it’s too expensive to ask someone to buy for them.
Or they want something weird and don’t want you to know that they want it…
There is, however, one group of people who, when they say “please don’t get anything” are 100% serious: Parents.
One of my favorite book excerpts comes from Freakonomics by Steven Levitt, which is a continuation of his paper “The Causes and Consequences of Distinctly Black Names.” He talks about how there are no people in power who have really off-the-wall names that we usually associate with African American youth. He talks about unfortunate children with names like “Female” because the mother thought the doctors had named her when they wrote down the gender. He alludes to other famous stories, such as the brothers, Orangejello and LeMonjello, whose parents named them after two things they had sitting around the house.
Levitt discovers through his complex economic regression that it isn’t the name that makes life hard, but that a bad name is a symptom of a much bigger problem, that being bad parenting. Essentially, if your parents can’t be bothered to come up with a good name for you, most likely, they are going to be negligent parents and you will not get all of the opportunities that will help you succeed.
As a father-to-be, or if you are having more children, one of your first responsibilities to your offspring is make sure that their names are well considered.
We as Americans value two things more highly than any other. We tout these to the rest of the world as the reason that our country is the greatest on the planet. We give them as reasons for being the object of hate of terrorists and oppressed people everywhere.
More than anything else, we love opportunity! The greatest thing about this country is that everyone has the opportunity to be successful. (Apparently)
The second greatest thing, is the ability to resent those with better opportunities, such as our children. This must be done, however, with the greatest level of efficiency. For, you know, freedom.
Here is a handy-dandy guide to helping parents resent their children in the most effective ways possible.
Here’s a link we saw Friday night and thought it’d be a good Sunday post (because we avoid thinking for real on weekends). Cracked has a list up on …