(NOTE: for the sake of our own sanity, we’ve completely misrepresented vomit as rainbows in all of this post’s images)
Being a father is about more than working hard to support your family and loving the crap out of your kids. It’s about cleaning up vomit. Pounds of it. If you don’t like to touch, smell like and potentially, accidentally swallow vomit – you’re not ready to be a father.
You think I’m kidding.
Dog and cat owners will gleefully tell you that nothing’s worse than when their dog coughs up a hairy pile in their living room. But dogs usually eat grass right before throwing up – and grass is a friggin’ treat compared to child-vomit. Even when cats eat birds whole and you find some thrown-up sparrow skeleton covered in cat hair – that’s still a cakewalk compared to the things children throw up.
You know you’re a real father when you realize one day that your carpet looks like cheetah fur and you don’t have a dog.
I’ve compiled for you a list – not of the worst things a kid can throw up – but of the worst “plain” foods. Anyone could tell you that it’s gnarly to clean up three-bean-chili-kid-barf. But as any parent knows, when you go to the doctor with a sick kid, they immediately tell you to stick to “plain” foods – things like white rice, plain toast, plain pasta. But even though it’s “plain” on the way down, it doesn’t mean it comes up that way.
Warning, this list is graphic. If you’ve got a hair trigger on your barf barrel, you might want to skip this list.
Next school year’s registration process is coming up, and in the event that you need to go in and fill out a personality profile about your kid or interview for his spot in the class, you need to know better ways to describe your kid’s potentially bad behavior. This way, you can confidently tell people that your kid is going to destroy their fine establishment and emotionally ruin the inhabitants. Without, of course, lying. Because no one likes a liar.
Continue below for the list…