Everyone writes these great stories about the things about fatherhood that surprised them. Wonderful, pie-in-the-sky stuff, like how first-time-father-dudes never truly knew how to love until they saw their child’s eyes. Or the surprise of having to learn how to do girl’s hair as the father of a daughter.
That’s all totally valid.
But there are a lot of things that are very not-shocking about fatherhood. Things that, when they happen, you saw them from so far away that you actually forgot about them until they were right there, running you over.
There are a lot of surprising things about fatherhood, but there are a lot of no-brainers, obvi…
Back when it was a totally dope diss to say “don’t have a cow, man”, kids had a vocabulary full of pop culture. There was something magical about old video games’ vocal snippets. Because games had limited memory, and because we were dealing with cartridges and CDs instead of giant hard drive installs, sound bytes were short, succinct and hilarious.
My friends and I would dole out disses and exclamations based on video game sound bites. I wonder how many of these were common among your group of friends too! The best thing is that I’ve found that some old school video game phrases are totally still usable now that I’m a father…
Game: NBA Jam (1993)
System: Arcade, Genesis, Game Gear, SEGA CD, SNES, Game Boy
Usage: After jamming home some trash next to your unaware child.
Of course. NBA Jam was a game full of sound bites and quotables. And while “he’s on fire” was commonly thrown around by my friends, the more forceful exclamation was a gentle “BOOMSHAKALAKA” yelled into the ear of a friend who merely had the bad luck of standing next to a trash can while you had something to throw out. You’d throw down the trash so authoritatively that let’s face it, you should have looked into a career as a garbage man. Well, now you’re a parent, so part of your job is being a garbage man, so the next time you need to throw something out, do it with style and scream “BOOMSHAKALAKA!” Your kid will repeat it in no time.
Now that a bunch of businessmen are raising families while their wives concuss themselves against the glass ceiling, the living room is the new boardroom.
Nothing says “I’m bringing us out of the emotional recession of raising babies” like standard operating procedure and business jargon in the home. These are 10 dick businessman things you can say to your young kids if you intend to run your home the way you ran your Fortune 500 company (And yes, we’re all aware you were at a Fortune 500 company back in like, 1988, Chad).
If you want to make sure your family unit is a sustainable business model, you need a standard operating procedure. And this list is a damn good starting point.
Video games have evolved at breakneck speed since their mass appeal took off in the 1970s. We’ve gone from arcades and home consoles to handhelds and cellphones in a short matter of time. We’ve moved away from big boxy cartridges, and can now download thousands of games straight to our consoles.
Obviously, some old school video game stuff is no longer around. Did you have any of these?
Kids are back to school, and – duh – they all need braindead stuff like a backpack, notebooks and pencils. But my kid is special, see. My kid is a snowflake. He’s got pencils, but he needs pizzazz.
So naturally, I’ve compiled a list of the top five things (there’s more, dudes, but attention span) that my special little snowflake needs for back-to-school time. Your kid probably doesn’t need them because I’ve seen your kid. He’s okay, but he’s all boogery and I can tell from the look in his eye that he’s not a go-getter. You want a go-getter? Dude, you can’t handle a go-getter if you even hesitated answering for a fraction of a second. This list isn’t for you, Mr. Mediocre.
Celebrity dads are already crazy delicious. But now that celebrity dads are jumping on the thigh gap trend, I can’t even. You can’t even either. We all, collectively, can’t even.
Just go grab a cold drink and point a desk fan at you while you check out our sizzling hot list of celebrity dads getting in on the thigh gap trend.
Fathers pull their inspiration from weird places. Some of them pull it out of their own father’s teachings. Some of them pull it out of necessity and learn on the fly. But what indisputably prepares you for fatherhood the most is video games.
Old NES games, specifically. Look, that console had two buttons. TWO. There was no dual-stick move-and-look. There was no rocket-jumping. You didn’t get a gun and a melee attack. You got JUMP and SHOOT. If you were incredibly lucky, and you usually weren’t, you could use a second weapon or skill by holding B while pressing A.
The games were brutally tough, unfair, and unrewarding. And all of that hardship prepared a generation of boys for fatherhood.
Some things are too good (or too bad) to keep around forever. This is especially true in the world of junk food, where brands constantly crank out products based on market trends and flimsy pop culture references.
My son will never eat some of the junk food I had when I was younger. I certainly won’t tell you that he’s missing out on some of these. This is a list of tooth-and-organ-rotting garbage. But try not to get nostalgic reading this list of stuff my kid will never be able to eat.