If you ever wanted to know how and why humanity is doomed to fail, look no further than the commercials interspersed during your kids’ favorite television shows. Though there’s been a recent resurgence of cool superhero stuff out there in toy stores, not all kid products are created equal. Among the newly-gendered LEGO sets, NERF sniper rifles and we-swear-its-not-just-marshmallows cereal commercials, you see just how low humanity can get.
How low? Well, let’s just put it this way: imagine everything you can exist without owning. Now take those ideas and make them worse.
Then head over to the next page for three prime examples (plus a bonus!) of why the meteor needs to end us sooner rather than later.
Everyone knows someone in their lives who, when asked what they want for their birthday or Christmas or Hannukah or housewarming or whatever, will reply that they don’t want anything. Usually, these people are being polite and do want something but are either too humble to ask, or it’s too expensive to ask someone to buy for them.
Or they want something weird and don’t want you to know that they want it…
There is, however, one group of people who, when they say “please don’t get anything” are 100% serious: Parents.
One of my favorite book excerpts comes from Freakonomics by Steven Levitt, which is a continuation of his paper “The Causes and Consequences of Distinctly Black Names.” He talks about how there are no people in power who have really off-the-wall names that we usually associate with African American youth. He talks about unfortunate children with names like “Female” because the mother thought the doctors had named her when they wrote down the gender. He alludes to other famous stories, such as the brothers, Orangejello and LeMonjello, whose parents named them after two things they had sitting around the house.
Levitt discovers through his complex economic regression that it isn’t the name that makes life hard, but that a bad name is a symptom of a much bigger problem, that being bad parenting. Essentially, if your parents can’t be bothered to come up with a good name for you, most likely, they are going to be negligent parents and you will not get all of the opportunities that will help you succeed.
As a father-to-be, or if you are having more children, one of your first responsibilities to your offspring is make sure that their names are well considered.
There’s ‘an hilarious’ article up on the Rants From Mommyland that goes into detail about WHERE you should NOT take a toddler. It lists the 5 places as:
The Consumerist blogger, Mr. Phillip, invites you on this fantastic voyage with the first set of gentle (yet manly) key strokes, “Some parents think its adorable for their tykes to scream their ABCs in public or use waiting room chairs as jungle gyms. Most others, though, are simply annoyed by the presence of unruly rugrats and would rather not be subjected to their antics while they try to take care of business.”
Damn you, children… YOU USELESS PUSTULES. If ONLY there were suitable mentors to assist in the disciplining of these barbaric and soulless monkeys then ALL of our problems would cease to exist and NOT have to be treated with alcohol and prescription drugs!
WHY DIDN’T WE JUST GET KITTENS! F*CK!
We as Americans value two things more highly than any other. We tout these to the rest of the world as the reason that our country is the greatest on the planet. We give them as reasons for being the object of hate of terrorists and oppressed people everywhere.
More than anything else, we love opportunity! The greatest thing about this country is that everyone has the opportunity to be successful. (Apparently)
The second greatest thing, is the ability to resent those with better opportunities, such as our children. This must be done, however, with the greatest level of efficiency. For, you know, freedom.
Here is a handy-dandy guide to helping parents resent their children in the most effective ways possible.
The editors over at BabyShowerForGuys.com put together a list of seven ways new dads can help with breastfeeding. They offered some good tips – stuff like “become the water boy,” and “offer to take charge of the burping and changing.” Solid stuff. But they missed a couple tips, and that’s where 8BitDad sails in all helpful-like.
I mean, hopefully.
You’ve got a tall, themed-drink in your hand. Your wife stands on the edge of the carpet, looking for you down the two narrow aisles in front of her. You peek around your slot machine, make eye-contact between two cigar-wielding men, see that she wants in, and you quickly make the switch. Now you’re standing on the edge of the carpet, by the door. You look down and two tired little eyes look up at you from your stroller.
Even your baby thinks you’re a dirtbag. I do too. And so do a whole lot of people in the casino. And it’s because you are. I mean, you brought your baby to Sin City. You might as well let your baby nap directly in Satan’s anus.