You were there to conceive this kid (probably), and you were there to see him destroy your wife’s flower on his way into the world. You took paternity leave, you read the books, you cried at all the appropriate times…you did everything right. But being a dad doesn’t stop there. In the words of some father’s day craft I did in kindergarten, “anyone can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad.”
There’s unfortunately no entrance exam into the world of fatherhood. Anyone with a mostly-functioning penis can find a place to plant his seed. It’s called the “Law of Averages“…or at least, it’s a nice misinterpretation of it (basically, if you keep wearing that t-shirt with the NES controller on it that says “I like to score,” eventually some chick will think it’s hot). When that seed you planted enters the world, you’ve got a 24/7 responsibility to make sure this kid thrives in a meaningful way…despite you.
Welcome to the list of things you’ve done to ruin your child.