Now that a bunch of businessmen are raising families while their wives concuss themselves against the glass ceiling, the living room is the new boardroom.
Nothing says “I’m bringing us out of the emotional recession of raising babies” like standard operating procedure and business jargon in the home. These are 10 dick businessman things you can say to your young kids if you intend to run your home the way you ran your Fortune 500 company (And yes, we’re all aware you were at a Fortune 500 company back in like, 1988, Chad).
If you want to make sure your family unit is a sustainable business model, you need a standard operating procedure. And this list is a damn good starting point.
This ROFLWTF moment is brought to you by Atsushi Shiraishi at the Tama Art University. When you’re a father, you want to be your child’s everything, and what better way to do that than by being your child’s EVERY-F***ING-THING?
That’s why the AthleTitti makes so much sense, even if you can’t say the name without giggling to yourself like a schoolboy. This rope, leather and steel vest provides your child with hand-and-footholds to rival even the finest play equipment at the park. Just know: you will get kicked in the johnson.
Celebrity dads are already crazy delicious. But now that celebrity dads are jumping on the thigh gap trend, I can’t even. You can’t even either. We all, collectively, can’t even.
Just go grab a cold drink and point a desk fan at you while you check out our sizzling hot list of celebrity dads getting in on the thigh gap trend.
So, like…we’d do anything for our kids, right? Anything. As in, your kid wants to take up soccer, you buy them cleats. Your kid wants a LEGO minifig that isn’t in stores anymore, you hop online and get it for their birthday. Your kid needs a good education, so you put in more hours at work to afford the right school. Your kid wants to be a princess, so you go to Africa, plant a flag on some disputed land and claim it as your own.
WHOA WHOA WHOA, back up. Which LEGO minifig? Those things get expensive when they’re discontinued.
Some dude obviously read our intro and was all “Yep. BRB OMW 2 Africa BBL.” That’s what Virginia dad Jeremiah Heaton did at least.
So today, the internet’s ablaze from one dad’s video of his son’s “football trainin'” – making the young boy run next to his truck as he curses at him.
Among dads, the sentiment seems to be that this guy’s despicable and makes good dads look better. But looking at comments on Reddit and WorldStarHipHop, commenters range from horror to hilarity. “Come on people,” said one Reddit user. “This isn’t bad parenting, it’s a guy messing around with his kid, having him run for what… a tenth of a mile at the most? If you think that’s bad parenting you must have had a pretty sheltered childhood.”
I wish this were some sort of joke headline, but it’s not. From what I could glean from YouTube descriptions and the Daily Mail recap, some dirtbag father put his toddler in a laundromat washing machine, then panicked when the machine locked, turned on, and began its spin cycle.
Some accounts say the father was scaring his son, some say he was playing a joke. Some say washing machine, some say dryer. Either way, this guy is an absolute POS.