Mr. Jim Jarrel of America’s finest news source, The Onion, posted this article back in 2001. He came out in a bold statement saying, “I just know I’m going to be the worst father ever.”

First of all, I’m not ready for this. Making another human being the center of my universe is not something I want to do. No doubt, I’ll take my frustrations out on him. Not overtly. Just in lots of little passive-aggressive ways that undermine his sense of self-esteem and well-being. One day, in about 20 years, he’ll trace it back to me while on his therapist’s couch. But by then, it’ll be way too late.

Jim also made a point to say that the aforementioned won’t be his only shortcoming. When it comes to discipline, he’ll be weak and inconsistent. “After the first few years of being a father, the novelty will wear off and I’ll leave it to Trish to do the bulk of the parenting.”

We attempted to get a hold of Mr. Jarrel of the The Onion, but were unsuccessful. We hope he’s doing well and blessed with many more children… we also hope he’s free of paternity lawsuits.