Parents! Touch down your helicopters and pull away from your Excel-based poop schedule pivot tables and put down your “baby’s first binary” flash cards. This is something that’s gonna really rev your rotors.

So there’s this new thing called the Sproutling, which – TL;DR – gives you full-on info about your baby right on a phone app. See, now you won’t even have to peel yourself off Facebook or Candy Crush to check on your baby. Not that you ever thought you’d have to.

The Sproutling is currently taking preorders and will be shipping March 2015. That’s like, the future, Marty.

I don’t know about you, but the thing I really thought was sucky about raising a fresh-out-the-canal-baby was definitely the lack of heuristics. Like, hard-ass data I could learn from. Parenting was all about observing and trying to remember what I observed later, so that at a random 3am, I could try to recall what I did the last time my baby crapped glowing green mutagen ooze. Learning is for chumps and computers.

That’s why Sproutling is obviously incredible. You strap this thing around your baby’s leg, pair it with the wireless “charging bowl” and it turns your newborn into a data farm for all kinds of great stuff. It’ll measure the baby’s heart rate, skin temperature, motion and position. “It communicates with the app on your phone” says the Sproutling site, “and lets you know if your baby is sleeping soundly or if something is wrong.”

Oh thank God. Generations before us had to use their ears and eyes. It was like living in 14th Century Mongolia.

From the Sproutling site: “A baby wearable band, a smart charger and a mobile app work together to monitor, learn and predict your baby’s sleep habits and optimal sleep conditions.”

Now that is the kind of helicopter parent heuristic data I’ve been pining for. Though, for the record, the site swears it’s not about data; “It’s not about numbers,” they say – “it’s about useful insights that help you get rid of guesswork.”

Sproutling Screens

This is the kind of fuel that Sproutling will put in your helicopter.

But wait, there’s more:

“The smart charger does a lot more than just charge. With smart sensors that monitor your baby’s environment, you can now optimize your baby’s sleep conditions for better sleep. From room temperature and humidity to sound and light levels, we’ve got you covered.”

For all of you that freak out whenever an app wants to use your iPhone’s microphone, the Sproutling will really bake your noodle. And, spoiler alert – Sproutling was created by former Apple and Google engineers, so if you’ve ever had a beef with those two companies’ data harvesting, you should get out your red felt-tip pen and scrutinize the Sproutling TOS before you strap it on your baby.

BTW, preorders started yesterday for the Sproutling, and as of this article’s publishing, 48% of the first shipment is already spoken for. It’ll set you back a cool $249 + $10 shipping. I wish I had some sort of wearable monitor so I’d know if that pricetag raised my blood pressure or not. That’s also the preorder buy-in. When this puppy goes full-tilt, it’ll be $299.

Before I get really silly, and I promise that I do, I’ll say this: hospitals. Amirite? Give this tech to hospitals, which stack babies 30 to a room, so nurses can monitor heart rates and temperature. Professionals need data like this. I, however, am alright just checking a muddy, nightvision-green baby monitor and saying “yep, baby’s up.”

Still confused? Check out this commercial, which actually makes the Sproutling sound like an okay next step in humanity:



Okay, now let’s get silly.

In honor of this brave new baby world we’re entering, I’ve come up with three totally optional, but totally practical, accessories for the Sproutling:

  • Implantable RFID chip so you can track your baby once they start crawling. Also, this will make it possible for baby gates to remain open until your baby crawls up to them, at which point, the RFID interfaces with the gate and locks it.
  • Baby Kinesio-tape. Why should athletes be the only ones that get those silly, colorful tape procedures that promise only a minor beneficial role in improving strength? Your baby’s trying to get swoll straight out of the hole.
  • Rectal sensor with built-in thermometer. Because what’s better than finding out your baby just pooped? Finding out your baby is seconds away from pooping.

I’ve filed for patents on all of those, so don’t even try to steal my ideas. I’m lawyered-up, bitches.

Anywho, all this talk about babies is totally making my biological clock’s snooze alarm misfire, so I’m going to go have a cup of hot, black coffee while I take a cold shower. Y’all talk among yourselves: is wearable baby tech the best or worst thing ever? Would you buy a Sproutling? Tell us in the comments!